Schoolboy Howlers

Schoolboy Howlers

Will and Guy are both qualified schoolteachers. We would never belittle nor embarrass students intentionally, however, we are unable to let these errors go without a laugh or two.  This is a compilation of UK student's work, mostly at year 10 level.

• History Jokes
• Geography Jokes
• English Jokes
• Religious Education
• Science Jokes
• One-liner Schoolboy Howlers

History Jokes

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.  And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom.  Leonard Louis Levinson

Geography Jokes

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: Certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.  Then the sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in the fight.

Two more Geography Howlers

• The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
• The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

Teacher's Tale of a Schoolboy Howler:

Teacher: 'Jimmy, who was Anne Boleyn?'  Jimmy: 'She was a flat-iron.'

Teacher: 'What on earth do you mean?' Jimmy: 'Well, it says here in the history book, 'Henry VIII, having disposed of Catherine of Aragon, pressed his suit with Anne Boleyn.'

Assorted Jokes and Schoolboy Howlers

If there is one group who appreciates a good schoolboy howler more than fellow pupils, it is the teachers.  While *Malapropisms (funny wrong word) are good value, Spoonerisms are particularly prized where the writer switches letters to make an unintentionally humorous phrase, for example: instead of 'well-oiled bicycle' the pupil writes, 'well-boiled icicle'.

*Classic example: Joe made a carnal sin (cardinal).  Incidentally, this could also be a Freudian slip.

Now that you have been alerted, see if you can spot Malapropisms, Spoonerisms or Freudian slips in the following schoolboy howlers.

English Jokes

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ids of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'

Religious Education

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked 'Am I my brother's son?'

When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the 'Magna Carta'.

One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony 

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Science Jokes

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. But I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

Music Jokes

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

More One-liner Schoolboy Howlers

• Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but another man of that name.
• Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
• The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire's in the East and the sun sets in the West.
• The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.
• Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history.
• The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.

(PS I had to read that last word really carefully)

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Guy's Exam Technique

At degree level you were supposed to be able to put together logical arguments backed up by facts.  My flat mates and I made a pact that if we did not know a reference we would make up a source: Cobbley T. Et Al working out of the Widdecombe labs.  Our idea was twofold, if several of us quoted the same source, then lecturer might actually believe our imaginary reference was real.  Secondly, if you bring a smile to the markers face you may get extra credit.

Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce, lend me your grey mare,
All along, down along, out along lee,
For I want to go to Widdecombe Fair,
Wi' Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan' l Whiddon, Harry Hawk, and old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all, Old Uncle Tom Cobbley and all.

Footnote:
Please send us your favourite Schoolboy Howlers

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