Funny Jokes and One-liners from Real Résumés

Funny Jokes and One-liners from Real Résumés

These jokes are taken from REAL résumés and cover letters and were printed in the Fortune Magazine:

1. 'I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.'

2. 'I have lurnt Word for Widows, computor operations and spreasheet progroms.'

3. 'I received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.'

4. 'Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.'

5. 'Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.'

6. 'Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.'

7. 'It's best for employers that I not work with people.'

8. 'Let's meet , so you can ' ooh' and ' aah' over my experience.'

9. 'You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.'

10. 'Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.'

11. 'I was working for my mom until she decided to move.'

12. 'Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.'

13. 'I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.'

14 'I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my résumé on my office voice mail.'

15. 'I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. '

16. 'My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.'

New Recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. 'What is the meaning of this?' the personnel officer asked. 'When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position You've ever held.'

'True', the young man answered with a smile, 'in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination.'

Pay Rise

One Wednesday Martin demanded of his boss, 'I must have a pay rise. You should realise there are three other companies after me.'

'Really?' replied Martin's boss, 'And who might these companies be?'

'Southern Electricity, British Gas and British Telecom', answered Martin.

More unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms

17. 'I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.'

18. 'Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.'

19. 'As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.'

20. 'Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.'

21. 'Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as ' job-hopping' . I have never quit a job.'

22. 'Marital status: often. Children: various.'

23. 'Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.'

24. 'The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

25. 'Finished eighth in my class of ten.'

26. 'References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.'

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type
real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really
seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my
persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - enclosed is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.

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