Perks of Being Over Sixty

Perks of Being Over Sixty

Free Jokes from Will and Guy.  Why not send these clean but amusing jokes and one-liners for the over 60s to your friends?

• Over Sixties One-liners
• Obituaries - More Jokes and One-liners for the over 60s
• Keep on Walking - One-liners for those who are mentally over 60s
• A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today'
• Hymns for the Over 60s

1) Over Sixties One-liners

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realise it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time. Friedrich Nietzsche

2) Obituaries - More Jokes and One-liners for the over 60s.

Graham rings the local newspaper and asks to speak to the person in charge of the obituary column.  He is passed to the advertiser and he asks, 'How much does it cost to place an obituary in the paper?'

'£1.20 per word, sir, 'replies the newspaperman respectfully.'

'Ok' , says Graham, 'are you ready?'

'Yes' , came the answer.

'The obit. reads - ' Jones dead'.'

'No more?' asks the newsman in a very surprised voice.

'No, that's it, 'came the reply.

'I have to tell you, 'announced the advertiser, 'but there is a 5 word minimum.'

'Why didn't you tell me before?' complained Graham, 'in that case it will read:

'Jones dead.  Volkswagen for sale'

3) Keep on Walking -
One-liners for those who are mentally over 60s.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

4) A Dozen Gentle 'Thoughts for Today' as We Grow Older

1. Ageing: eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
2. The easiest way to find something that's lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you?
4. A penny saved is a government oversight.
5. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
6. He who hesitates is almost certainly right.
7. Did you ever notice? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..
11. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
12. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

5) Hymns for the Over 60s

• Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
• Just a Slower Walk with Thee
• Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
• Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
• Guide Me O Thou Great Lord God, I've Forgotten Where I've Left my Car
• Count Your Many Birthdays, Count Them One By One
• Blessed Insurance
• It Is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

Footnote:
Please send us your perks of over 60s.

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