Only in America

Will and Guy's Humour - Only in America

America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.  Oscar Wilde

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1) Fitness - American Style

Only in America.  Fitness or Unfitness?

I suppose the only excuse for the moving staircase is if the men are running up the 'down' escalator - unlikely.

Mitch Hedberg says: I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

1a) Only In Russia!

Only in America.  Fitness or Unfitness?

2) Only in America - Crazy Awards

A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500  and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle.  The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man.  The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.

Stella Awards

For those unfamiliar with these awards they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are Awards for the most outlandish law suits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head.

Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2012

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a Jury of her Peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The Store Owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was some-one at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burgled by way of the garage. Unfortunately, for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he couldn't get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's Insurance Company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the Jury said the Insurance Company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, earned 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the Jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a Jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Miss Carson had thrown it at her boy friend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bath room window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Miss Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50cover charge, the Jury said the night club had to pay her$12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the Freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich not surprisingly, the Motor Home left the Freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma Jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new Motor Home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit just in case Mrs Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a Motor Home. If you think the Court system is out of control and America has lost ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!

Only in America Awards

'Only in America' was the first of this crazy or idiosyncratic genre.  However it has spawned a whole host of imitators, 'Only in England' and 'Only in in Australia' spring to mind.

3) Jobs in America Kindly sent by Alex Singer

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with gas (FROM SAUDI ARABIA) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (MADE IN MALAYSIA), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.

¤

4) Only in Texas

Where other than Texas do people prize their cattle more than their cars?   Don't answer that Scotland!

Will and Guy's Humor - Only in Texas America

Playing Possum

Why are the Texans like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

See more funny Super Bowl Jokes

4a) Need a Cowboy?  (Kindly sent in by Jerry Simpson)

A Texas rancher passed away leaving everything to his lovely young wife.

Needing help with the ranch she decided to advertise for a ranch hand.  Only two men applied.  One was gay and the other was a drunk and known to be very lazy.  She thought about it and hired the gay guy thinking that he would be safer to have around.

Her selection proved to be a very hard worker who put in long hours and knew a great deal about ranching. To reward his good work she let him have some time off to go into town for some fun.

Late that night he returned to the ranch house.  Halfway to his room he saw the woman standing next to the fireplace with a glass of wine in her hand.  She called him over. She then told him to 'come closer' as she put her wine glass down.

Then she said:  'Unbutton my blouse and take it off!' While trembling, he complied with her request and took the blouse off.

'Now take my boots off,' she said. 'Now my socks.'  The hired hand again complied but was getting more and more embarrassed.

'Now take off my skirt.'  He did as told and unzipped and removed the skirt. 'Now take off my bra.'  And, again he did as he was told.

'Now take off my panties.'  He slowly pulled them down and threw them on the floor with the rest of the clothes.

She fixed him with a very determined look and said:  'If you ever wear my clothes into town again then I'll fired you!'

 ф

5) Can you believe this?  Could it only happen in America?

5a) A jury of her peers awarded a woman from Austin, Texas, USA $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store.  The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving child was the woman's own son.

5b) A 19 year old youth from Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. The young man apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

5c) A thief from Bristol, PA, was leaving a house he had robbed through the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so the robber. found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset the thief, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

5d) A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay a woman from Lancaster, PA, $113,500  after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because the woman had thrown it at her boyfriend thirty seconds earlier during an argument.

5e) A woman from Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while she was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000  and dental expenses

Only in America Do They

Drive on the parkway, then Park in the driveway.

6) Texas A&M Students

...(videVfl2)

The aspiring student psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.' Just to establish some parameters, 'said the professor, to the student from the University of Houston, 'What is the opposite of joy?'

'Sadness', replied the student.

'And the opposite of depression?' the professor asked of the young lady from Rice.

'Elation', said she.

'And you sir', he said to the young man from Texas A&M. 'How about the opposite of woe?'

The Aggie replied, 'Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.'

7) Only In America

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual.

A person who speaks three languages is trilingual.

A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.

What is a person who speaks one language?

An American.

Only in Japan?

8) Manmade Beach Ocean Dome - Only in Japan

Manmade beach Ocean Dome in Japan

Is that white sand - or snow?  The swimming costumes must be a clue, this is an artificial beach.

Only in Japan...If you can't find a nearby crowded beach, create one!

Ocean Dome is known as the world's largest indoor water park with a retractable roof. The air temperature is always kept around 30° C and the water temperature is kept at around 28° C.

Stella Awards - Only in USA

For those unfamiliar with these awards they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are Awards for the most outlandish law suits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head.

Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2012

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a Jury of her Peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The Store Owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was some-one at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burgled by way of the garage. Unfortunately, for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he couldn't get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's Insurance Company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the Jury said the Insurance Company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, earned 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbour's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the Jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a Jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Miss Carson had thrown it at her boy friend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bath room window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Miss Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies' room window to avoid paying the $3.50cover charge, the Jury said the night club had to pay her$12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

Mrs Merv Grazinski bought new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, having driven on to the Freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich, not surprisingly, the Motor Home left the Freeway, crashed and overturned.

As this is the USA, Mrs Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma Jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new Motor Home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit.

 

Footnote:
Please send us your 'Only in America' funny stories

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. Arnold Toynbee

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