Funny Newspaper Stories
A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not. Henry Fielding
From The Atlanta Daily:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy....
From The Guardian Newspaper
Concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand:
'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
British News From the Churchdown Parish Magazine:
From The Daily Telegraph
A piece headed 'Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes':
' ... the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'
From The Derby Abbey Community News:
'We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.'
From The Gloucester Citizen:
'A caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled, 'Hear Me Moan', the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'
People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news.
Safety film - Report
HL Mencken the journalist and 'Sage of Baltimore', said of newspapers:
Advertisement from the Federation of Small Businesses
Here is a collection of cuttings taken from the short columns that editors use to pad out their newspapers.
Miscellaneous Section - Duck refuses Medical Treatment
Wokingham News, Berkshire, England.
An Army Officer assigned to the Military Academy in Sandhurst narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the officer, Lieutenant Tommy Thomas, began to slip sideways from the saddle.
Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane Thomas could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the Lieutenant attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot, however, became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.
Moments away from unconsciousness, and probable death, to his great fortune Commodore Steve Cleary [RN Ret'd] shopping at Waitrose, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.
Will and Guy are seeking to ascertain the veracity of this story.
A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a Manchester publishing house last Tuesday, according to the daily newspapers.
When Will and Guy caught up with the witnesses, we found them stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
A Humorous Guide to USA Newspaper Readers
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