Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies

Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies Movie Jokes

Next time you go to the movies on a Friday night, keep your eye out for extra information that you can pick up about every day events.  These jokes have a strange but true ring to them.

1) Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies

  • A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
  • During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  • All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
  • Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.Will and Guy's jokes Eiffel tower
  • When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
  • Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
  • The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  • Large, loft-style apartments in New York City (or Paris) are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
  • All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  • If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  • Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
  • It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
  • A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  • Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
  • You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  • Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
  • If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  • All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
  • If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
  • When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
Marilyn Monroe

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2) The following are reportedly English subtitles used in movies from Hong Kong.

  1. I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
  2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
  3. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
  4. Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
  5. Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
  6. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
  7. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
  8. You daring lousy guy.
  9. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
  10. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
  11. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
  12. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
  13. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
  14. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

See Engrish Phrases

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3) Key Movie Observation:

'The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.' Alfred Hitchcock

'The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.'  Hunter S. Thompson

4) Condensed Versions of Movies

Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975 Jaws - joke condensed version

Roy Scheider There's a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.

Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the beach to make room for the tourists.

 (Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark dies)
THE END

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Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000

Julia Roberts I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney Ok. Julia Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.)
THE ENDClose encounters short version

Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven Spielberg 1977

(Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.) All Wow!
THE END

Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999

Hugh Grant I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm in love with you.

Julia Roberts I'll date you, no I won't , yes I will, no I won't . I'm sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I've gotten over them.
THE END

Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992

Michael Madsen Who's the rat? (shoots a cop) Harvey Keitel I didn't do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don't look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.)
THE ENDTitanic film condensed version

Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron 1997

Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let's dance with the ship's rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let's run around the ship and giggle. (The ship SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go)
THE END

Ultra Condensed Versions of Movies

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte

Edward Rochester I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what?
Jane Eyre Yes.
Edward Rochester My secret is that I have a lunatic wife.
Jane Eyre Bye.
(Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.)
THE END

Don Quixote By Cervantes

Don Quixote Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing.
Sancho Panza No, master. It is something ordinary and harmless.
Don Quixote (falls down)
THE END

A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens

Ebenezer Scrooge Bah, humbug. you'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it. Ghost of Jacob Marley Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean. 3 Ghosts of Christmas you're mean.
Ebenezer Scrooge At last, I have seen the light. Let's dance in the streets. Have some money.
THE END

Lord of the Flies By William Golding

...(videVfl2)

(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
(They make a fire. It goes out.)
Ralph We need a fire.
Jack Forget the fire. Let's kill each other.
Other Boys Yeah!
(They do.)
THE END

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest By Ken Kesey

Nurse Ratched I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control.
Randall P. McMurphy But freedom and happiness are good things.
Nurse Ratched Lobotomy time for you, buster.
(McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.)
THE END

The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger 

Holden Caulfield Angst angst angst swear curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk.
THE END

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