Next time you go to the movies on a Friday night, keep your eye out for extra information that you can pick up about every day events. These jokes have a strange but true ring
1) Unexpected Knowledge Gained From the Movies
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom still still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
Large, loft-style apartments in New
York City (or Paris) are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman
but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
If staying in a haunted house, women will investigate any strange
noises in their most revealing underwear.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't
which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It does not matter if
you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when
a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs
prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing
someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're
going to go off.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.
Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and
fifty cents for your soul. Marilyn Monroe
2) The following are reportedly English subtitles used in movies from Hong Kong.
I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
A normal person
wouldn't steal pituitaries.
Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken
Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.
Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
You daring lousy guy.
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough
Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
How can you use my intestines as a gift?
You always use violence. I
should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
'The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.'
'The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's
also a negative side.' Hunter
4) Condensed Versions
Jaws Directed by Steven Spielberg 1975
Roy Scheider There's
a big shark in the water. Close the beaches.
Murray Hamilton No way. Your evidence is inconclusive. Clean the dead people off the
beach to make room for the tourists.
(Some SCARY MUSIC rings out, and a BIG FAT GUY gets EATEN.) Robert Shaw I'm tough and grim. (shark eats him) Roy Scheider and Richard Dreyfuss Take that. (shark
dies) THE END
Erin Brockovich Directed by Steven Soderbergh 2000
Julia Roberts I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.
Albert Finney Ok. Julia
Roberts This company is poisoning water. Let's
fry their ugly hides in extract of hell. (They DO, and it is HEART WARMING.) THE END
Close Encounters of the Third Kind Directed by Steven
(Airplanes are found in the desert.) Researchers Wow! (UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss'
house.) Richard Dreyfuss Wow! (UFOs appear over Devil's
Tower.) All Wow! THE END
Notting Hill Directed by Roger Michell 1999
Hugh Grant I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm in love with you.
Julia Roberts I'll date you, no I won't
, yes I will, no I won't
I'm sorry, I have too many rich-and-glamorous issues. Now I've gotten over them. THE END
Reservoir Dogs Film Directed by Quentin Tarantino 1992
Michael Madsen Who's
the rat? (shoots a cop)
Harvey Keitel I didn't
do it. (shoots Lawrence Tierney) Tim Roth Don't
look at me. (shoots Michael Madsen) (Everybody else shoots each other.) THE END
Titanic Film Directed by James Cameron
Leonardo DiCaprio Your social class is stuffy. Let's
dance with the ship's
rats and have fun. Kate Winslet You have captured my heart. Let's
run around the ship and giggle. (The ship
SINKS.) Leonardo DiCaprio Never let go. Kate Winslet I promise. (lets go) THE END
Ultra Condensed Versions of Movies
Jane Eyre By Charlotte Bronte
Edward Rochester I have a dark secret. Will you stay with me no matter what? Jane Eyre Yes. Edward Rochester My secret is that I have a lunatic wife. Jane
Eyre Bye. (Jane Eyre leaves. Somebody dies. Jane Eyre returns.) THE END
Don Quixote By Cervantes
Don Quixote Chivalry demands I destroy that evil thing. Sancho Panza No, master. It is
something ordinary and harmless. Don Quixote (falls down) THE END
A Christmas Carol By Charles Dickens
Ebenezer Scrooge Bah, humbug. you'll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep
the heat at five degrees, and like it. Ghost of Jacob Marley Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you're mean. 3 Ghosts of Christmas you're mean. Ebenezer Scrooge At last, I
have seen the light. Let's
dance in the streets. Have some money. THE END
Lord of the Flies By William Golding
(Some BOYS crash on an ISLAND.) Ralph We need a fire. (They make a fire.
It goes out.) Ralph We need a fire. (They make a fire. It goes out.) Ralph We need a fire. Jack Forget the fire. Let's
kill each other. Other Boys Yeah! (They do.) THE END
Flew Over the Cuckoo's
Nest By Ken Kesey
Nurse Ratched I destroy my patients psychologically so I can have power and control. Randall P. McMurphy But freedom and happiness are good things. Nurse
Ratched Lobotomy time for you, buster. (McMurphy DIES but inspires HOPE so OTHERS may LIVE.) THE END
The Catcher In the Rye By J. D. Salinger
Holden Caulfield Angst angst angst swear
curse swear crazy crazy angst swear curse, society sucks, and I'm a stupid jerk. THE END
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