Gardening Jokes and Funny Stories
Will and Guy's Gardening Humour
If you wish to be happy for a day, get drunk.
Two year old Henry was found chewing a slug.
Little Joey is helping his grandfather dig up potatoes. 'What I want to know,' he says, 'is why you buried the darn things in the first place.'
The elementary school cook prided herself on the healthy meals she provided with lots of vegetables and fruits. When the power failed one day, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last, a home-cooked meal!"
Q: What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
Q: What do you call a country where the people drive only pink cars?
Q: What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
Q: Why don't you ever iron a four-leaf clover?
Q: What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone drinks and is the life
of the party?
Q: What insect is musical?
Q: What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Q: Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field.
But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, what does he usually wear?
Organic, or Inorganic?
"So were you able to find
some?" Harry asked.
"The gardener answered: 'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"
Experienced Gardener Wanted
When I showed Will, he replied without missing a beat, "You know, Sweetheart, they sing for most folks."
It Never Rains....
'No, we haven't had any of that in ages,' says the nurseryman. 'And I don't know when we'll be getting any more.'
The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. 'Never tell a customer we can't get them something,' he says. 'Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D'you understand?'
The nurseryman nods. 'So what did he want?' asks the manager.
During his first day of work, the vicar stopped by to bless Albert's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the allotment of your dreams!"
A few months later, the vicar stopped by again. Lo and behold, it was completely transformed. The shed had been expertly rebuilt, vegetables were growing in neat rows and the greenhouse had been re-glazed and was full of plump, ripe tomatoes.
"Amazing!" exclaimed the vicar. "Look what God and you have accomplished
The next month Jake goes back and buys 500 more.
Jake looks glum and replies, "Sadly no. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Either I'm planting them too deep, or upside down, or too close together..."
Keep Off The Grass
One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'
Michael O'Leary was waiting at the bus stop with his friend, Paddy Maguire, when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
O'Leary opined, 'I'm gonna do that when I win de lottery, Maguire.'
'What's that, Michael?' responds his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut,' concludes O'Leary.
If you like this page then please share it with your friends
See more funny lawn pictures, jokes, tales and stories: