Funny Bus Driver Jokes
Will and Guy's Funny Bus Driver Stories
On this page we have an assortment: true stories about drunks, also a mixture of funny but clean jokes featuring drunks and barmen.
True Bus Driver Story - The Drunk
Will and Guy have an old friend called Dave Barker who lives in Portsmouth, Hampshire. In recent years Dave has turned his hand to driving buses.
One Friday an inebriated man got on Dave's double-decker bus and sat in the bottom deck close to Dave. Now, Dave is not meant to allow drunks onto his bus but he had a good heart and let the man stay on.
The man started rambling on and on, so Dave suggested he should sit upstairs. 'The air is cleaner up there and you'll get a much better view.' The man agreed, but returned a few minutes later. 'What's wrong?' Dave asked. 'Don't you like it better up there?'
'It's fine', the drunk said. 'But it's too dangerous: There's no driver'.
The bus driver says, 'No, it won't.'
After a pause, the second man, name of Gerry, inquires, 'What about me?'
Dave, our bus driver friend, tells the story of when he was driving a bus load pensioners to Brighton, on a day trip, when he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offered him a handful of peanuts, which he happily took and ate. After about 20 minutes, she tapped him on his shoulder again and she handed him another handful of peanuts. The old dear repeated this generous gesture several more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he decided to ask the little old lady, 'Why don't you and your friends eat the peanuts yourself?' .
'We can't chew them because We've no teeth', she answered.
Dave was puzzled and enquired, 'Then why on earth do you buy them?'
'Oh, we just love the chocolate around them', replied the old lady.
One day, Dave, the bus driver, was in his bus when the biggest man he had ever seen got on. The giant looked at the driver and growled, 'Big Eric doesn't pay', and took his seat. Dave was only a little man and he didn't really want to argue.
This happened for several days. After a week, Dave was beginning to get a little angry. Everybody else paid, so why not the big man?
So Dave went to the gym and started a course of body-building. He didn't want to be frightened of Big Eric any longer.
Eight weeks later the driver had strong muscles and was feeling very fit.
At the usual stop, Big Eric got on. 'Big Eric doesn't pay' , he barked; but this time Dave was prepared for him. He stood up, shaking slightly, and said between clenched teeth, 'Oh, yeah? And why doesn't Big Eric pay?'
'Because Big Eric has got a bus pass', the man replied.
The driver was just about to press the button to close the doors, 'Is everyone aboard the bus?' asked Dave the driver. 'No,' called Mavis, 'please wait until I get my clothes on.'
Well, all the passengers turned their heads towards the door. What they saw surprised them, a young woman was wrestling a bag full of laundry up the bus steps.
Two ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says to the rope, 'Hey! We don't serve ropes in here.' So one of the ropes left.
The other rope frayed up his hair and tied himself in a knot.
The bartender said to the rope, 'Are you a rope?' and the rope said, 'I'm afraid not'.
Guy had to read the joke three times before I got it. I'm a frayed knot! The only reason that I persevered is that I trust Will to deliver quality jokes. I guess you get two dopes for the price of one with this funny.
Did You Know?
Mickey Finn was a bartender who worked in Chicago, USA, around the turn of the 19th century. He served drinks designed to 'knock' people out, possibly containing *chloral hydrate, so that they could be robbed.
*A sedative and hypnotic drug
A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked. Sachin, the Indian cab driver made no attempt to drive off.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
When two service station attendants in Chicago, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
Trees Get Fresh
The Highway Patrol car pulls over a bus on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. 'Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?'
The driver replies, 'Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me.'
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer says, 'Sir, that's your air freshener.'
Chinese Bus Company Chooses Innovative Way To Slow Down Their Drivers
An omnibus company in China has launched a new "drive safely" campaign, by hanging big bowls of water next to their drivers. The Longxiang Public Bus Company in Changsha, Hunan province, says drivers must drive gently to avoid spilling any water. Bus drivers are expected to ensure the bowls are still full when they finish their shift Will and Guy have discovered.
The company warns drivers that CCTV footage will be studied to make sure they do not top up the bowls with water.
We have learned that, 'Passengers often complain that sudden braking and bad driving makes them really uncomfortable on the buses,' from a spokesman of the company. 'So by hanging bowls of water in the driver's cab will discourage them from making any jolting starts, sudden braking or bad turns.'
Will and Guy would like to see this idea introduced into the UK.
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