Funny Doctor Jokes
Amy to X-ray technician after swallowing some
Mechanic v Doctor Story
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
1) Long and Short of the Problem
After only a few minutes, Adam emerged from the room, walking completely upright. Paul, another patient who had watched him hobble into the room all hunched over, stared in amazement. 'That must be a miracle doctor in there.' he exclaimed. 'What treatment did he give you? What's his secret?'
Adam stared at Paul and said, 'Well, the doctor looked me up and down, analysed the situation, and gave me a cane that was four inches longer than the one I had been using.'
2) Struck Down?
The doctor replied, 'Okay, as long as you take the spoon out.'
3) Time Cures
'Then wait for half an hour before getting up,' replies Doctor Mayo conclusively.
4) Home - Or Away?
5) Father - Or Son?
'Is this her first child?' the doctor queries.
'No, you idiot.' Iain shouts. 'This is her husband.'
Dangerous Corner + Patients Cross Here = ??
Keep Taking the Medicine
Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?
Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'
Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'
A live-in face
Doctor Patient Jokes
Kerry is medical student. When she was studying the toxicology module she attended the 'poison control centre' in the city.
Kerry told a tale that a woman had 'phoned who was very upset because she had caught her little daughter eating ants. Kerry quickly reassured her that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to take her daughter to Southampton General hospital. She calmed the caller down. At the end of the conversation the woman happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
Kerry told her that she better take her daughter to accident and emergency straightaway!
Doctor Khan was giving a lecture to a group of medical students at the city hospital.
Pointing to the x-ray, he explained: "As you can see, this patient limps because his right fibula and tibia are radically arched."
The doctor looked up at the assembled students, and asked Sidney "Now what would you do in a case like this?"
Sidney piped up: "I suppose I would limp too."
Brenda make an appointment to see her doctor, because she is worried about her husband's bad temper.
Doctor Thomas asks: "What's the problem?"
Brenda says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband Jimmy seems to lose his temper for no reason. It's beginning to scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that Jimmy is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later Brenda returns to the doctor looking fresh and happy.
Brenda says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
Dr Thomas says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
An element of the admission procedure in the hospital where consultant Tim Westwood worked, was to ask the new patients if they suffered from any allergies.
If they did, Tim got it printed on a special 'allergy band' which was then placed on the patient's wrist as a reference for all other hospital employees.
On one particular occasion Tim asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies. The old dear responded by saying that she was unable to eat bananas.
Tim received a considerable surprise later in the day when a very irate son came out of the ward demanding, 'Who's responsible for labelling my mother 'bananas'?' See a real Patient Participation Group.
The Specialist - Short Doctor Joke
'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.
'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.
'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'
Will and Guy wonder what it that makes for a funny doctor joke? After all, medical matters are not an intrinsically humorous subject. We have come to the conclusion that for many illnesses laughter is indeed the best medicine, or at least helps people to cope. Thus we continue our quest for more doctors' jokes.
Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.
Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.
When he did, Winston complained bitterly, 'Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in. 'The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, 'Don't worry, its just a bit of crackling.'
Doctors and Quacks
Worried Patient (Kindly sent by Geo Burns)
These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS (National Health Service) Greater Glasgow
Visit To the Doctor (Doctor yarn sent in by reader)
One Wednesday, Murphy went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, 'Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.'
'Well, 'the doctor replied, 'Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness'.
Sure enough, Murphy goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, 'Betty, what's for dinner?' He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, 'Betty, what's for dinner?'
Betty says, 'That's the fourth time you asked me. It's meatloaf.'
For example, One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience. Alice James
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