How to Cook - Funny Cooking Jokes
Will and Guy's Selection of Funny Cooking Jokes and Cookery Stories
Here is our cookery section. Preparing food is a rich source of funny outcomes, because there are many possibilities for humorous slips between cup and lip.
Nigel: The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.
Michael has no talent for cooking. He has trouble with such simple tasks as peeling potatoes or slicing onions, even though he often insists on helping his wife in the kitchen. Once he read a shopping list on which Greta had written, 'unhusked rice.' Good lord, 'he sighed, 'what a job that's going to be'.
How Bachelors Cook - or Not
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. 'I got a cook book once', said the first, 'but I could never do anything with it.'
'Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?' asked the second. 'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and...'
Nigel retired before Sally, and as a result he would do more of the chores. For example on Friday he would dust and vacuum the house. On two other days he would prepare and cook the evening meal.
Now Nigel's forté was certainly not cooking. One recipe asked for 'seasoned flour' to be added. Nigel searched the kitchen cupboards and found the plain flour and the self-raising flour. In the end he had to ring Sally at her work to ask where she kept the 'seasoned flour'.
Another Funny Cooking Story
At the age of eleven, that's many years ago, I was enrolled in Callington Grammar school, in darkest Cornwall. I have to say it was a perfectly fine school with dedicated if somewhat eccentric teachers and a generally enlightened outlook.
It did however stick to many of the traditions of the day. Sports and metal work teachers tended to have a military background and short manly nicknames that they fondly thought the pupils wished to call them. Skip, Gunner and Pip are three that come to mind. They also included in their lessons a ritual humiliation and jovial sadism that was no doubt was supposed to be good for our character but was something I could never see much fun in. The result was that I, which was a first for a male student, opted to take lessons in domestic science rather than metalwork or woodwork.
Domestic science had nothing scientific about it but the class was all girls, apart from my friend Cobb and I, which was just fine by me.
Our first lesson was hardly challenging. The menu was beans on toast and cocoa. Each pair of aspirant cooks had a work surface, sink and gas stove. After successfully getting the beans out of the can and into a pan, the milk into another pan and the already sliced bread under the grill I couldn't help thinking this was all just too easy, and in the same way that the first officer on the Titanic might have nonchalantly called for some ice, I asked Cobb to look for some plates for our meal.
As he crouched down to look in the cupboards next to the stove a number of things started to happen in quick succession. First, realising that the beans were, to put it mildly, over cooked, I tried to scrape them off the bottom of the pan, not noticing that the milk was on the point of boiling over and that the already smoking toast had burst into flames.
Luckily, or perhaps not, our teacher had spotted the situation and strode purposely over to take control of the situation. What she could not have realised was that one of us (we both later blamed the other) had managed to switch on the gas oven without lighting it. The pressure of the gas slightly pushing open the oven door.
It might have been the lit rings on the top or a piece of falling, incandescent toast but the oven chose that moment to explode setting light to Miss Pendragon's light blue and white check house coat, which went up in a sheet of flame leaving molten plastic stuck to her clothes, arms and legs. The force of the blast also knocked the cupboard off hitting Cobb's head momentarily stunning him so he was in no condition to avoid the boiling milk that now jumped off the stove. It did spring him back into consciousness quite quickly though!
With what I still believe to be great presence of mind I doused both thoroughly with a bucket of water that had previously been used for cleaning the floor but I am saddened to say was never thanked by either of them.
Jonathan Arthur ~ chef and cooking vacation organiser
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well then bring me the winner.
One day, young Sarah girl was watching her mother make a roast sirloin of beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting dish.
Sarah politely asked her mum why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mum replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.
That night grandma came to dinner and Sarah and her mother asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, she cooked the meat the way her mother had done it.
Now great-grandma was quite old and lived in a residential nursing home, so Sarah, her mum and grandma went to visit her and again asked the very same question.
Great-grandma looked at them a bit surprised and said, 'So it would fit in the roasting dish, of course.'
So clever it can stop time. Guy thinks this is so that you can go back and add more spices.
The Poor Man and Truffles Restaurant
Every day at lunch time, Samuel would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the Truffles' kitchen.
One day, Samuel was surprised to receive an invoice from Jean-Luc, the restaurateur for "enjoyment of food." So he went Immediately to speak to Jean-Luc to point out that he had not bought anything from them. Jean-Luc smiled and said, 'You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.'
Naturally Samuel refused to pay and the restaurant owner sued him.
At the hearing, the Judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. Jean-Luc stood up and purred, 'Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen at the rear of Truffles; he smells our food while eating his, it is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.'
The Judge turns to Samuel and said, 'What do you have to say to that?'
Samuel didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The Judge asked him, 'What is the meaning of that?'
Samuel replied, 'Well it's simple really, I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.'
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Cooking the Books?
Lyn belongs to our Diet Club and she was lamenting that she had gained weight.
She told us that she had made her family's favourite luscious cake over the weekend, and added that they'd eaten half of it at dinner that evening.
The next day, Lyn continued, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake had vanished.
She went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be so disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.
Lyn smiled broadly and quipped, 'He never found out. I made another cake and ate half of that too.'
According to Reuters, Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper in the Autumn of 2006 printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section. Ingredients included one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hunters could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels mushrooms, which are deadly when eaten.
Why is this a doubly story strange? Well the Chanterelle Lemon Soufflé saga has all the makings of an urban myth. Will and Guy could not find the alleged original article either on Reuter's site, or amongst the Ottawa Citizens articles. We have culled the pictures below from elsewhere, simply to illustrate the two species of the fungi in question.
Meanwhile, while we await Canadian readers to write-in with the inside story, we wish to emphasise that Destroying Angel, Amanita Virosa, and the closely related Amanita Phalloides are deadly poisonous. The main difference from the ordinary mushroom is that these Avenging Angel caps are pure white, or occasionally have a green aura. The gills under Destroying Angel cap are also white and are never the usual salmon pink colour.
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