Jon Snow: In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't
it? Expert: Er, yes. [UK. Channel 4 News]
Beethoven, Kurtag, Charles Ives, Debussy - four very different
names. - Presenter, BBC Proms, Radio 3
Cystitis is a living death, it really is. Nobody ever talks about
it, but if I was faced with a choice between having my arms removed and
getting cystitis, I'd wave goodbye to my arms quite happily. - Louise
Wener in Q Magazine
Listener: My most embarrassing moment was when my artificial leg
fell off at the altar on my wedding day. Simon Fanshawe: How awful!
Do you still have an artificial leg? - UK. Talk Radio
Interviewer: So did you see which train crashed into which train
first? 15-year-old: No, they both ran into each other at the same
time. - BBC Radio 4 News
Presenter [to palaeontologist]: So what would happen if you mated
the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant? Expert: Well in the same
way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of
Presenter: So it'd be like some sort of hairy
gorilla? Expert: Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks.
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er . . . Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey? Wood: Ha,ha,ha,ha, no. The past participle of run . . . Contestant: [Silence] Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . . Contestant: Walked?
Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin Contestant: I did not know that he was dead.
Full poem as sung by my mother:
'Who killed Cock Robin?'
I, 'said the Sparrow, 'With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin.'
Who saw him die? 'I' said the Fly, 'With my little eye, I saw him die.' Who caught his blood? 'I' said the Fish, 'With my little dish, I caught his blood.' Who'll make the shroud? 'I' said the Beetle,
'With my thread and needle, I'll make the shroud.'
Who'll dig his grave? 'I' said the Owl, 'With my pick and shovel, I'll dig his grave.'
Who'll be the parson? 'I' said the Rook, 'With my little book, I'll be the parson.'
Who'll be the clerk? 'I' said the Lark, 'If it's not in the dark, I'll be the clerk.'
Who'll carry the link? 'I' said the Linnet, 'I'll fetch it in a minute, I'll carry the link.'
Who'll be chief mourner? 'I' said the Dove, 'I mourn for my love, I'll be
Who'll carry the coffin? 'I' said the Kite, 'If it's not through the night, I'll carry the coffin.'
Who'll bear the pall?' We, 'said the Wren, 'Both the cock and the hen, we'll bear the pall.'
Who'll sing a psalm? 'I' said the Thrush, 'As she sat on a bush, I'll sing a psalm.'
Who'll toll the bell? 'I' said the bull, 'Because I can pull, I'll toll the
All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing, When they heard the bell toll for poor Cock Robin.
Posh Spice and David Beckham are sitting in front of the Television watching the six O'
clock news. The headline feature is a man who is threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy A4
Posh turns to Beckham and says '
Dave, I bet you £5000 that he jumps.'
He replies '
The pair shake on it and continue watching the commotion on the TV, sure enough, the man jumps
and hits the road below with a loud thud.
Beckham takes £5000 out of his pocket and gives it to Posh.
take that from you Dave' she says. I was cheating. I saw the Five O'
clock News earlier so I
Knew what was going to happen. I can't
accept that money.'
Beckham replies, 'No Babe'.
The money is yours fair and square. I was cheating too. I just didn't
think he would do it again.'
Footnote: Please send us your dumb contestant jokes.
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