Funny Stories from the Church Times and Pews News

Will and Guy's Religious HumourFunny stories Church Times and Pews News

Religious jokes are amongst the cleanest.  Church humour has a personality all of its own.  At their best the Church Times jokes combine reverence with gently poking fun, rather like a grandfather may tease his grandson.

Funny Stories from the Church Times and Pews News

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Vicar and His Son

Andrew was watching his father, a Vicar, write a sermon.

'How do you know what to say?' Andrew asked. 'Why, God tells me' , the father replied. 'Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?'

Elizabeth and Her Sunday School

Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Bert's picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent.'  The flight to Egypt,' said Bert. 'I see ... and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, 'Elizabeth said, 'But who's the fourth person?' Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot.'

Finding a Priest or a LawyerFunny Christmas Religious Stories

Betty and Martin were about to get married.  Just before the wedding, they were tragically killed in a car crash.  When they arrived at the gates of heaven they explained to St. Peter that they were about to be married on earth, and that now they would very much like to be married in heaven.

St. Peter said, 'Betty and Martin you are a deserving couple, wait here in the reception room.  He was gone for several months then at last, St Peter returned.

Martin said, 'We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married'.  Betty chipped in, 'We were wondering, if the marriage did not work you arrange for a divorce?'

St. Peter was exasperated, and then said 'Look! It took me 6 days to find a priest up here in heaven.  How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer up here?'

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Care For the Mother-in-law

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'

The man replied, 'a man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

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Latest from the Church Pews NewsChurch jokes.  Pews news humour

  • Tonight's sermon: 'What is hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social.
    All ladies giving milk come early.
  • Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the vicar in his office.
  • This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Richards to come forward and lay an egg at the altar.
  • The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
  • The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • 'Help blow up and decorate the church with balloons on Easter morning.
    Meet at 7:30 am to help. Won't take long!'

Out-takes From the Pews NewsChurch Salvation

One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

Remember the annual spring cleaning of the Parish Hall this Saturday. We need lots volunteers to join the work crew. We have a long list of items to be cleaned.  The widows will need extra attention.

More Examples of Church Signs

Check out the Great American Book of Church Signs.  It captures modern day faith on the road.  Each sign reflects the enthusiasm of the local Church.  The book - and the signs themselves - encourage us to live better lives.

Furthermore, Will and Guy love the way each Church sign reminds us to laugh along life's journey.

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Church Ladies with Tripewriters

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  • The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • Nellie Morgan and John Rees were married on February 2nd in Newtown's Baptist church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Seven new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of new members, and to the deterioration of some of older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • St Hilary church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • The ladies of St Peter's Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Missing the Church ServiceChurch or Golf?

Father Lewis woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Lewis headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.

This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and
everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed,"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Lewis hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 430 YARD HOLE-in-ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

Footnote:
Please send us your items from the Church Times and Pews News.

For example:
The vicar unveiled St Martin's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

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See more clean religious jokes and funny stories:

Funny Christian jokes   • Clean religious jokes   • Funny religious stories   • Things God won't ask

Christian jokes   • Church Times & Pews News   • Adam jokes   • God and Eve   • Funny Bible jokes

Short Christian jokes   • Clean Christian jokes   • Children's religious stories   • Funny Church signs