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Adam Jokes

Will and Guy's good Clean Fun - Adam Jokes

Where did Adam jokes come from?  I know they have been around for a few years, but I don't remember them in my youth, and I recall a sudden craze.  What is the history of Adam jokes?

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Adam JokesFunny Adam Jokes

Here are Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments

  1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
  2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
  3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
  4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
  5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
  6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
  7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
  8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
  9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'
  10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'

Something to ponder
If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around,
is he still wrong?

Adam Revealed

Four-year-old Robert opened the big bible which had been in his family for years.  Absolutely fascinated, he flicked through the old pages.  Suddenly, something fell out of the bible. Robert picked up the object and looked at it.  What he saw was an old dry leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mum, look what I've found', the boy called out.' What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think I've found Adam's underwear!'

Help from God

A woman named Edna finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...' God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.'

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Edna again prays.... 'God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lotto night comes and Edna still has no luck.

Once again, she prays, 'My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE, just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Edna is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

'Edna, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.'

¤

God and Satan

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Haagen Das Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said: 'You want hot fudge with that?' And Man said: 'Yes!' And Woman said: 'I'll have one too ...with sprinkles.' And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: 'Try my fresh green garden salad.' And Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said: 'I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.' And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the .99 pence double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, 'You want fries with that?' And Man replied: 'Yes! And super size ' em!' And Satan said: 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then...Satan chuckled

and created the National Health Service...............

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What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve.

Not an Adam joke - Prawn, Cod and Shark Saga

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.' Cod shrimp prawn joke

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' , and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.  Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.' Where's Christian?' he asked.' He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark' , came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. you're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back ' No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'

Wait for it

Wait for it

 

Wait for it

 

'I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian'

God Phones Noah to Order a New ArkMulti Story Carp Ark

Expecting bad weather? OK, same specs as last time? says Noah
Nope, this time I want 20 decks.

20! That's huge. OK, kitted out for the animals as usual?
No, this time it's for fish.

FISH! OK, you're the boss. I'll get the whole selection, cod, haddock, skate . .
No, just carp.

Just the one type? Carp
Yep, that's right carp.

OK, says Noah, but can I just ask why?













I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark!

 

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See more clean religious jokes and funny stories:

Funny Christian jokes   • Clean religious jokes   • Funny religious stories   • Things God won't ask

Christian jokes   • Church Times & Pews News   • Adam jokes   • God and Eve   • Funny Bible jokes

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