Jokes for Tuesday
Will and Guy's Tuesday Jokes
Our ancestors saw Tuesday as a day of war. One stem of the word Tuesday is Tyr, who was the Norse god of courage. The Romans also named this day after their war god Mars. The French retain this theme in their word for Tuesday, Mardi.
Jokes for Tuesday
Funny, Droll and Quirky Jokes for Tuesday
One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'
Short Term Investment
A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.
The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, 'I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years.'
'Five years? Are you kidding?' splutters the old man. 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'
Last Tuesday, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
Best Funny Jokes for a Tuesday
Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.
'Which shaving cream do you use?'
Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the
interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'
Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'
Tuesday's child is full of grace.
I halve a spelling checker,
Eye strike a key and type a word
As soon as a mist ache is maid
I've scent this massage threw it,
Ian visits his doctor and says, 'Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.
Doctor Martin replies, 'But you are not one of my patients.'
Ian exclaims, 'I know, but my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir!'
Thursday's Pick-me-up Drink
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine
Samples of Our Free Jokes: Only in Britain
Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.
Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers and large fries - but with a diet coke.
A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.
Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.
Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.
Funny Signs - Keep a look out for similar humour
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
I Say I Say Jokes - Do you remember them?
gone mad in Venezuela
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Repeat after Me
'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered
Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
I knew a dentist, Anthony, who used to frequent the 'The Europa' pub in Molesey, Surrey in the 1980's. Anthony always worked long hours and one day he came into the back bar particularly tired and a little distracted. It was half term and all of his patients had been children and he explained how difficult it is to get them to keep their mouths open so that he could carry out a 'check-up' . His last patient of the day had been an adult and he was embarrassed to tell us that he had said to the man, 'Oh good at last a big mouth to deal with.' The man's gurgling sound alerted Anthony to his verbal mistake.
American Army Soldier Story
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first
day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
Funny Holiday Notices
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today - no ice cream.
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