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Jokes for Tuesday

Will and Guy's Tuesday JokesJokes for an Ugly Mood.  Guy and Will Humour

Our ancestors saw Tuesday as a day of war.  One stem of the word Tuesday is Tyr, who was the Norse god of courage.  The Romans also named this day after their war god Mars.  The French retain this theme in their word for Tuesday, Mardi. 

Jokes for Tuesday

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Famous Tuesdays

  • Ruby Tuesday (Rolling Stones)
  • Tuesday Weld (American Actress)
  • Patch Tuesday (Microsoft Updates!)
  • "Ha! Tuesday.  How depressing." Oscar Wilde

Funny, Droll and Quirky Jokes for Tuesday

Insane?Jokes for Tuesday

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.

He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.

'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

Short Term Investment

A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor.

The advisor is very excited and tells the old man, 'I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years.'

'Five years? Are you kidding?' splutters the old man. 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Not NiceJokes for Tuesday

Last Tuesday, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

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Best Funny Jokes for a Tuesday

Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.

'Which shaving cream do you use?'

Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.'
'Which deodorant do you use?'  - 'Nathan's.'
'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'

Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'

Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Your Tuesday Spell CheckerJokes for Tuesday

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

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Doctor Recommended

Ian visits his doctor and says, 'Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor Martin replies, 'But you are not one of my patients.'

Ian exclaims, 'I know, but my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir!'

Thursday's Pick-me-up Drink

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.- Alex Levine

Samples of Our Free Jokes: Only in Britain

Only in Britain...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk in the garage.

Only in Britain...are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in Britain...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain...do people order double cheeseburgers and large fries - but with a diet coke.

Crazy Aussie

A drunk driver tried to avoid arrest by leaping into the back of his moving car during a chase in the Australian outback.

Police in the Northern Territory town of Katherine were stunned when they realised the 24-year-old driver had abandoned the controls and jumped on to the back seat with his three passengers in an apparent attempt to fool officers. The runaway car continued for 150 metres at 25mph before police on foot ran it down and applied the brakes.

Police said the driver panicked when they tried to pull him over for a random breath test.

Funny Signs - Keep a look out for similar humour

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I Say I Say Jokes - Do you remember them?

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy

One-liner Jokes

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Repeat after Me
Mrs Johnson invited some people over for supper. At the table, she turned to their seven year old daughter Martha and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say', Martha replied. 'Just say what you hear Mummy say', Mrs Johnson answered

Martha bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

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Dentist

I knew a dentist, Anthony, who used to frequent the 'The Europa' pub in Molesey, Surrey in the 1980's. Anthony always worked long hours and one day he came into the back bar particularly tired and a little distracted. It was half term and all of his patients had been children and he explained how difficult it is to get them to keep their mouths open so that he could carry out a 'check-up' . His last patient of the day had been an adult and he was embarrassed to tell us that he had said to the man, 'Oh good at last a big mouth to deal with.' The man's gurgling sound alerted Anthony to his verbal mistake.

American Army Soldier Story

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Funny Holiday Notices

1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.

2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

4) Special today - no ice cream.

 

Footnote:
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