Jokes for Friday
Friday is a special day. The end of the week is approaching, Friday is a day to tie up loose ends, a day to dream of the delights of the weekend. Will and Guy have a selection of jokes and short stories for Friday.
Short Jokes for Friday
Droll and Quirky Jokes for Friday
Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.
Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'
Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'
Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye
Funny Fishing Affair
'Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.
'Why shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' comments Myra. 'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'
A legend believed by many fishermen is:
One Friday a traffic policeman stops a Maisie and asks to see her driving licence.
'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Lady, I don't care who you know, you're still going to get a ticket.'
Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?
Father: What do you mean, underwater?
Cartoon by Stu
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a 10 Dollar note. Well go and buy something then, the change will do you good.
Cartoon by Bennett
Odin's wife was called Frigg (Freya). If you accept the Norse origins of the other days, then Fri day becomes a realistic derivation. Interestingly, the Romans also saw this day as female, as they named it after their goddess Venus. This Latin root remains in the French for Friday, Vendredi.
You will often see her wearing a robe of feathers, which enabled her to fly through the air like a bird.
Freya was driving her Chevrolet Vega home in New Mexico when she saw an elderly Apache woman walking along the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a lift?
With a silent nod, the woman climbed into the car. Freya tried in vain to make conversation with the Apache woman.
The old Apache looked closely at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a red gift bag on the seat next to Freya.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old woman.
'It's a bottle of gin that I got for my husband.'
The Apache woman was silent for another minute or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, 'Good trade.'
More Friday Jokes
Myra Rhodes, a little old lady living in Great Baddow, Essex, answered a knock on the door one Friday, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning, Ma'am,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' said Myra brusquely. 'I'm broke and haven't got any money,' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. 'Don't be too hasty,' he commanded. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
'Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
Myra stepped back and said with a smile, 'Well let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.'
Friday Afternoon At the Building Site
All action on a Friday afternoon.
Friday's child is loving and giving.
Weekend Tall Story
At a weekend convention of biological scientists, Hannah, a researcher remarks to Pam, 'Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?'
'Really?' Pam replies, 'Why did you switch?'
'Well, for two reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, and second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them,' chortled Hannah.
Friday 13th Superstitions
One Friday two motorists had an all too literal head on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh, Germany. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the middle of the road because of the thick fog. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalised with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't damaged at all and didn't have a mark on them.
Follow-up to Friday Accidents
The report issued by the Dutch Centre for Insurance Statistics on June 12, 2008, states "fewer accidents and reports of fire and theft occur when the 13th of the month falls on a Friday than on other Fridays, because people are preventatively more careful or just stay home." This in turn was reflected in the reports received by Dutch insurance companies, in the last three years, which showed that on normal Fridays, the number of traffic accidents touched a figure of approximately 7,800 but it decreased to 7,500 on a Friday the 13th in The Netherlands.
What can go wrong, will go wrong, especially on a Friday. See more on Murphy's law
A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.
Quotes For Friday
Albert Einstein, 1879 - 1955
'Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.'
'Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.'
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)'
'I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.'
Signs - Classic Short Joke
At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.'
- Infantry Journal
Keep to the straight and narrow
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. they're trained for that.
These are real requests fielded by an American travel agent.
Confessions of US Congress Travel Agent
Bad Hair Day?
Murphy's Law of DIY (Do-It-Yourself )
Any project will require at least two journeys to the hardware shop.
If you need more than one item (pair, four, etc) the probability that one will be damaged or the wrong colour is directly proportional to the desire or need of the object.
You always need more paint.
You never have enough nails, screws or glue.
The likelihood that you will complete a weekend project before the end of the weekend decreases with when you actually start the project.
Therefore: Any plumbing project started after 4pm on Sunday will require an emergency call to the plumber to get the water running again.
To estimate the amount of time needed to complete a project: estimate the amount of time needed, multiply by two and use the next highest unit. Hence: A one hour task will take at least two days to complete.
Silly Friday Chant
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