A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
'I got up just like that, well it could of been
like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's
a funny place to have a door I know'.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't
repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Do you think that when they asked George
Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great
deal of it is absolutely fatal.
A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and
asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?'
Under an assumed name'
, came the reply from Oscar Wilde.
A poet can survive everything but a misprint.
'Next week we'll
be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.'
'We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.'
In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make
Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one
All men are cremated equal
Apéritif:: French for a set of
Groucho Marx Quotes
He may look like an idiot and talk like an
idiot, but don't
let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Room service? Send
up a larger room.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I
go into the other room and read a book.
The worst two Winters of the 20th century .... Mike and Bernie