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Comedians that Make Will and Guy Laugh

Comedians that Make Will and Guy Laugh

This section lists our favourite comedians.  Think of this page as a sitemap for good comedians.

Comedians

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Extracts from our Comedians - Tommy Cooper

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

'I got up just like that, well it could of been like that, but, no it was like that.... anyway I leapt up, and I opened the door in my pyjamas, It's a funny place to have a door I know'.

Steve Wright

  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Oscar Wilde

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech.  He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?' Under an assumed name' , came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

A poet can survive everything but a misprint.

Ronnie Barker

'Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret milkshake.'

'We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left.'

In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.'

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Spike Milligan

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one

All men are cremated equal

Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.

...(vr3)

Groucho Marx Quotes

  • He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  • Room service?  Send up a larger room.
  • I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Victor Borge

Victor Borge video clip

The worst two Winters of the 20th century .... Mike and Bernie

Top Twenty *Peter Kay Jokes

We find them funny, amusing, often true and certainly worth passing on:

  1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
  2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
  4. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  5. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  6. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
  7. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  9. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
  10. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
    ...(v3r)
  11. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
  12. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
  13. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
  14. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
  15. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
  16. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
  17. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  18. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
  19. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
  20. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a "use by" date?

*Peter Kay is an actor, comedian and writer from Bolton, Lancashire, England, where he is greatly liked and respected. He is known to be a keen observer of northern life in England.

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See more clean jokes, one-liners and quotes from these comedians:

Comedians   • Tommy Cooper - Cooperisms   • Tim Vine   • Ronnie Barker   • Spike Milligan

Oscar Wilde's Quotes   • Groucho Marx jokes   • Steven Wright   • Victor Borge   • Funny quotes

Edinburgh Fringe Jokes   • Clean one-liners   • Home