Tim Vine has written a great deal of his own comic material,
unfortunately some of Tim's jokes have been mistaken for Coooperisms. In fact, Tim is a fine stand-up comedian in
his own right, and in 1995 he won the Perrier Award for Best Newcomer at the
Edinburgh Festival. Tim's career has blossomed and British readers may
have seen him compère TV shows such as Whittle (Channel 5), Fluke (Channel
4) and Housemates (BBC1).
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser
legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said
'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
go for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So
that was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To
camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also
want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I
was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the
dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local
swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside
my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I
think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went
into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
Tommy himself would have been flattered by imitations. However, Will
and Guy have been naive, and we thank readers for pointing out that since his sad
death, there has been an industry in imitating 'Cooperisms'.
More 'Imitation' Cooperism
I went to buy a ticket on the train to go to France.
The agent said, 'Eurostar?'
I said, 'Well, I've been on the telly; but I'm no Dean Martin.'
Ron pointed out that the history of Eurostar rail service did not start until
1986, which was two years after Tommy's death in 1984, and in fact, the Eurostar
was not operational until 1994.
To steal a line from Groucho Marx - 'Close but no cigar'.
I went to the chemist and said "Can you make something up for me?"
He said "Frank Sinatra was in here this morning".
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed
him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As
I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with
it...thought to myself, these blokes have lost the plot.
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast "The Flintstones". A spokesman for the
channel said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. 'Morning.'I said.
'No,'he replied, 'just picking daisies.'
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds. I bought her some bathroom scales.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The
birds love it!
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver
was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself
that guys heading for a breakdown.
Actual Tommy Cooper Jokes - (Cooperisms)
Tommy Cooper was more than a catch
phrase, he had an original approach. Biographers say that in his earliest days,
Tommy Cooper was so nervous that he made unintentional mistakes, he soon saw
that if he could recreate these accidents then he would have people rolling in the aisles.
In fact Tommy's
earliest trick was with a milk bottle. During the course of the trick he was supposed to
turn it up-side-down, but when he did the trick, the milk came pouring out along with the audiences laughter. That got Tommy Cooper thinking, I can get applause through making tricks go wrong -
deliberately. 'Always leave them laughing'. To get the most from these classic one liners, I suggest that you get
into state, imagine that fez hat. 'Just like that'.
Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Slept like a log last night ........ woke up in the
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'
So he gave me a kite.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's
great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the
cobwebs out of her hair.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's
old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK.
you're ugly as well.'
A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.' Man says, Why? The doctor says, 'I don't
like my neighbours'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the
reception was brilliant.
Now, most dentist's
chairs go up and down, don't
they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is
unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
'Doc, I can't
stop singing the green green grass of home.
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
'I was standing at a party the other night and across the room was an
attractive woman. I looked at her and cocked my eye. She looked
at me and cocked her eye back. And there we stood, cock-eyed.
(Graham's favorite Tommy Cooper Joke)
Tommy Cooper was a comedian's
comedian. The main reason was because he broke every rule in the book. Other comedians would like to have tried what Tommy did, but only he could attempt the outrageous and
not only get away with it
but also turn the outrageous into his signature tune. Jokes going deliberately going wrong became his trade mark, but there are other subtler things Tommy Cooper did that
lesser comedians cannot, for example repeating a joke once he got the first a laugh. See next joke, also see
the last joke.
'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.
'He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that.
'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's
got one leg shorter than the other. 'He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's
only got one claw. 'He said 'Well he's
been in a fight. 'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'
Footnote: Please write to Will and Guy if you have any Tim
Vine jokes in the style of Tommy Cooper
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