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Steve Wright's Sayings

Steven Wright's Sayings - Researched by Alan TurnhamSteven Wright Jokes

There are at least two famous people called Steve Wright.  Alan Turnham has unearthed quotes by the American Comedian, (not the British Radio 2 Presenter)  To get the most from these one-liners, you have to imagine Steve's deadpan delivery.

Steven Wright American Comedian born 1955

  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • I have a map of the world at home.  Full size, I spent last summer folding it.
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • Why is abbreviation such a long word?Steve Wright Jokes
  • How did a fool and his money get together?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • What's another word for thesaurus?
  • Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  • I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Another Tranche of Steve Wright Humor

  • I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.
  • Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
  • Half the people you know are below average.
  • How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
  • My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  • How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  • If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
  • If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
  • And whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have a 'S' in it?
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Footnote
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See more clean jokes, one-liners and quotes from these comedians:

Comedians   • Tommy Cooper - Cooperisms   • Tim Vine   • Ronnie Barker   • Spike Milligan

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