Spike Milligan Jokes and Quotes

Spike Milligan Jokes and Quotes Spike Milligan Jokes

Genius, they say, is next to madness.  Never was this saying truer than with Spike Milligan.

What appeals to me about Spike Milligan's style is imagination in creating surreal images.  I cannot think of another comedian who produced such a stream of original material.  Research almost any other comic's material and you will find their ideas or routines belong to stars of a previous generation.  Not so with Spike Milligan it's all original humour often inspired from manic moments.

Update - World's Funniest Joke by Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Jokes and Quotes

  • After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
  • I have the body of an eighteen year old.  I keep it in the fridge.
  • I don't mind dying.  I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • Is there anything worn under the kilt?  No, it's all in perfect working order.
 Sponsored Links

Spike Milligan and the Goons

One reason that Spike Milligan is revered by Englishmen of a certain age is that Radio was Spike's best medium.  As a boy back in the 1950's radio was all we had, there was no TV.  In those days the goon show had us spellbound in a way that Harry Potter captivates the current generation.  To tell the truth back then, I did not think of Spike Milligan but only of the characters he brought to life: Eccles, Fred Fu Manchu, and Bowser.  Later I discovered that it was Peter Sellers who played Bloodnok, Bluebottle and Henry Crun, while Harry Secombe played Neddie Seagoon.  Even later I discovered that other characters were played by all manner of people; two of note were Michael Bentine and surprisingly, Ray Ellington.

Jokes from the Goon Show

Bloodnok: I'll turn a deaf ear.
Seagoon: I didn't know you had a deaf ear.
Bloodnok: Yes, I found it on the floor of a barber's shop.

Seagoon: We've come to disconnect your phone.
The Red Bladder: I haven't got one.
Seagoon: Don't worry, We've brought one with us.

Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!

Seagoon: For an hour we ran in French, which I ran fluently.

At a distance of 50 years, it's hard to express how the goons buffoonery became a cult of the era.  To give one example, with the nonsense song Ying tong Spike Milligan reached number 3 in the hit parade in September 1956.  As then, once you read the verse a few times you cannot get it out of your mind.

Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po.
Yiiiing, tongy tongy tongy, yiddy diddy diddy da doh, ying diddy,
Ying tong diddle, yiddledy boo,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle, ying tong yiddle i po,
Ying tong, ying tong, ying tong yiddle i po, yiddle i po, oh!

Remember in those days a half an hour listening to the goons on the radio, followed by a kick-about with a ball in in the street and boys were happy with the simple pleasures of life.


Spike Milligan's Irreverence

Comedians are notorious for gently taking the Mickey out of politicians and any other dignitaries that they meet. Perhaps the incident which best sums up Spike Milligan's irreverence and ability to shock was when in 1994 he called the Prince of Wales, 'a grovelling little bastard'. However, while the phrase is widely quoted, it does require context. The Prince of Wales had been a Goon fan since childhood, Spike Milligan and Prince Charles first met in 1969. The quip was in response to a letter that the Prince of Wales wrote congratulating Spike on his lifetime comedy award. Nevertheless, it was a shocking thing to say live on stage.

The best measure of Spike Milligan's genius was the number of people who imitated him.  John Cleese and the Monty Python gang freely admit that Spike inspired their sketches, Eddie Izzard called Spike Milligan the 'godfather of alternative comedy'.

More Spike Milligan Jokes

  • Spike Milligan: 'How are you at Mathematics?' .
    Harry Secombe: 'I speak it like a native'.
  • Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.
  • All men are cremated equal.
  • Apéritif:: French for a set of dentures.
  • Sad Hamlet to Ophelia: 'I'll do a sketch of thee, what kind of pencil shall I use?
    2B, or not 2B?'
  • I turned and rubbed my hands with glee. I always keep a tin of glee handy.  (Kindly sent in by Suzanne B)
  • Spike: there's only one cure for seasickness
    Somebody: what's that?
    Spike: climb a tree.  (Kindly send in by Andy Davies)

Selected  Spike Milligan Credits

  • The Goon Show (Radio)
  • Q - (1970's TV Program)
  • Adolf Hitler - My Part in his Downfall (Book)
  • Puckoon - (Book then Film)
  • The Great McGonagall - (Film)

Spike Milligan Epitaph - 'I told you I was ill'

On Spike's headstone at St Thomas' Church in Winchelsea, East Sussex, England is his full name, Terence Alan Patrick Seán Milligan KBE. Unfortunately, the church would not permit the phrase Spike requested for his headstone namely,  'I told you I was ill'.  However, they did allow the sentiment expressed in Gaelic, 'Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite', which translates to: 'I told you I was ill'.  Incidentally, Spike's request is often slightly misquoted to 'I told you I was sick'.

Spike was born on 16 April 1918 and died at the age of 83 on 27 February 2002.   On the subject of going to heaven he said: 'I'd like to go there. But if Jeffrey Archer is there, I want to go to Lewisham.' 

Spike Milligan Jokes and Quotes Sent by Readers


Perry Gamsby reminded us of this great excerpt from the Goon Show

Eccles:  'Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!'
Seagoon:  'But you can see through it!'

Eccles:  'Not if you close your eyes!'
Seagoon: 'You're right!'

Eccles was played by Spike himself, and Neddie Seagoon was played by Harry Secombe

Mike Bowe sent us this excerpt from a famous UK chat show.

Parkinson: 'Spike Milligan, welcome to the show.'
Spike (Face like thunder) : 'I've got a complaint.'

Parkinson (Warily) : 'What is it?'
Spike: 'Leprosy.'

Funny Christmas Poem by Spike MilliganChristmas Poems For Children

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea,
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the only thing for me.

I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at me,
And say it's a publicity stunt.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you.

An immigrant lad, loved an Irish colleen
From Dublin Galway Bay.
He longed for her arms,
But she spurned his charms,
And sailed o'er the foam away

She left the lad by himself, on his own
All alone, a-sorrowing
And sadly he dreamed, or at least that's the
way it seemed, buddy,
That an angel choir did sing -
An angel choir did sing.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea.
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the finest thing for me.

And so I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front.
But people just laughed, and said,
"It's a publicity stunt".

So I'm walking backwards for Christmas
To prove that I love you.

If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
"I love you."


Please write to Will and Guy if you have any good Spike Milligan jokes, quotes or Goons one-liners.

For example:
"Chopsticks are the main reason the Chinese didn't invent custard."
Debbie Reboin

If you like this page then please share it with your friends


See more clean jokes, one-liners and quotes from these comedians:

Comedians   • Tommy Cooper - Cooperisms   • Tim Vine   • Ronnie Barker   • Spike Milligan

Oscar Wilde's Quotes   • Groucho Marx jokes   • Steven Wright   • Victor Borge   • Funny quotes

Edinburgh Fringe Jokes   • Clean one-liners   • Home