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Groucho Marx Quotes and One-liners

Funny Groucho Marx Jokes and One-linersGroucho Marx Quotes

Will and Guy have selected some famous quotes attributed to the comedian Groucho Marx.  We hope you enjoy the humor of these clean yet funny one-liners.

  • I would never belong to a club that would have me as a member.
  • Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.
  • Women should be obscene and not heard.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
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This is one of Guy's favourite Groucho Marx One-liners:

  • I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

The beauty of this one-liner is that you that can change, 'Wonderful Evening' to: 'Supper', 'Football Match' or other suitable phrase to suit your humor.

Will's 10 Favorite Groucho Marx Quotes

  1. Room service?  Send up a larger room.
  2. I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  3. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
  4. The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his chequebook open.
  5. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  6. He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
  7. Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.
  8. How do you feel about women's rights?  I like either side of them. Groucho Marx Jokes
  9. From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
  10. I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
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More Groucho Marx Quotes - Many Taken From His Films

  • Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
  • Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
  • Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here.
  • Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. (Groucho should know, he was married three times)
  • Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
  • 'Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.'
  • 'There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!'  -  Groucho Marx
  • I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
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Extra Groucho Marx Quotes Sent by Felicity Gibbs

  • Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas and how he got in my pyjamas I'll never know.
  • See more funny quotes.

Groucho Marx Quotes Researched by Jason Kenniz

Woman:  This leaves me speechless.
Groucho: Well, see that you remain that way.

Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.

Woman: This is a gala day for you.
Groucho: Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't know if I could handle any more.

Groucho: Ladies and gentlemen...I guess that takes in most of you.

Jason Kenniz researched these Groucho Marx gems, you can see and hear more of his genius at this site dedicated to Grouch Marx quotes.

More Funny Grouch Marx Jokes Sent in by Readers

  • Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.  (Eddie H)
  • I am a Marxist - of the Groucho tendency.  (Glenda E)
  • Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. (Geena K)
  • While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas.  How an elephant got into my pyjamas I'll never know.  (Mark Y)
  • You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!  (Anne M)
  • My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. (Kevin P)
  • Groucho is in a restaurant, and the bill arrives.
    'This bill is outrageous .....
    [ hands it to the lady he is dining with....]
    I wouldn't pay this if I were you.....'   (Dan)

Groucho Marx's Background

...(vr3)

Groucho grew up in a Jewish neighbourhood which had Irish-Germans on one side and Italians on the other. Hence ' The Marx Brothers' developed 'ethnic' accents, based on this background, as part of their comedy.

He walked with an extremely distinctive 'chicken-walk' lope and sported an exaggerated moustache, a cigar and very bushy eyebrows.  Groucho perfected the 'wise-crack', quick repartee, which was sometimes amusingly insulting.  In his later life he was frustrated by the fact that when he insulted someone they thought it was humour and part of his act when in reality he meant the slight.  For example, Groucho wanted to insult a woman so he said in her hearing: 'She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.'

Tribute to Groucho Marx's Humor

Woody Allen thought Groucho Marx, '..the best comedian this country ever produced.' Many people would agree. He died in 1977 at the age of 86.

The Marx Brothers

Groucho Marx Quotes FilmsChico - Leonard, 1887-1961
Harpo - Adolph, 1888-1964
Groucho - Julius Henry, 1890-1977
Gummo - Milton, 1892-1977
Zeppo - Herbert, 1901-1979   (There was also Manfred, but he did not survive childhood.)

The Marx Brother's Best Films - (Source of many a Grouch Marx quote)

  • Animal Crackers 1930
  • Monkey Business 1931
  • Horse Feathers 1932
  • Duck Soup 1933 (Guy's favourite Marx Brother's film)
  • A Night at the Opera 1935
  • A Day at the Races 1937

Groucho Marx T.V. and Radio Show - You Bet Your Life

'You Bet Your Life' started on American radio in 1947 and soon made the transition to the NBC television network.  The show ran from 1950 to 1961.

The show started with the 'Secret Word'.  The live audience new the word, and if the contestant uttered it a toy duck descended from the ceiling with a $100 in its beak.

Contestants were paired and then answered questions to boost their cash payout.  Precise formats changed over the years as the show experimented with ways of increasing the tension while the contestants built towards jackpots of $1,000, later raised to $10,000.

Groucho's Cigar Joke Urban Myth - Or Fact?

...(vr3)

Groucho was naturally the star, and full of his off-the-cuff repartee.  One urban myth that won't die concerns what a Groucho said to a woman who had 22 children.

Groucho asked her, 'Why so many children?'
'Well, I just love my husband.' the woman replied.

Groucho's riposte allegedly was:  'I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.'

Despite the story resurfacing at regular intervals, no sound track or recording exists of this Groucho Marx quote.  Indeed, later Groucho denied ever saying it.  As the myth grows, so the story is embellished, for example, the audience's reaction was taped and replayed whenever NBC needed canned laughter.

Addendum 1
Gary Kelly wrote in with this snippet. 

Addendum 2
The cigar myth is no myth. At least that's not what my step father told me growing up. And the reason I believe him is the woman on the show was his grandmother and she actually had 22 children and was in the Guinness book of world records at the time. Which is why she and her husband were asked on the show.   J.E.

Footnote:
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