New Year Jokes and Funny Stories
An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. Bill Vaughan
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
Well, well. It seems that your weight is perfect. It just happens that you are eleven feet too short. See also Women's parts.
2009: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.
New Year's Day Prayer for One and All
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.
It's been a tough year, but I've made it so far!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
Lecture Tour with A Difference
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly. See more funny New Year stories.
Politician in Action
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
New Year Jokes - One Liners
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
When I thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year.
Definition of a hangover:
Artist, Harwinder Singh Gill, displays a special new year message he carved into the tips of coloured pencils in Amritsar, India.
How to Quit Smoking
Peter, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Ken, and asks for a cigarette.
'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Ken responds.
'Phase one?' wonders Ken.
'Yeah,' laughs Peter, 'I've quit buying.' See more on anti-smoking
Ring out the old, ring in the new
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
More Funny New Year Jokes
New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.
Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.
'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'
A Bad Dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
New Year's Resolutions by Fido
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death. Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the lyrics: however, many people seem to remember only the first verse.
Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
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