Short and Funny Christmas Poems

Short and Funny Christmas PoemsShort Christmas Poems

Will and Guy bring you a collection of Christmas verses, a few are funny, other are just fun, while the rest are Christmassy.  We wanted to created a little oasis where we could tell the Christmas story through poetry.

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Funny Christmas PoemsFunny Christmas Poems

Away in a Manger

Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed
Social Services have been notified!

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I'm Walking Backwards for Christmas
Funny Christmas Poem by Spike Milligan

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea,
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the only thing for me.

I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at me,
And say it's a publicity stunt.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you.

An immigrant lad, loved an Irish colleen
From Dublin Galway Bay.
He longed for her arms,
But she spurned his charms,
And sailed o'er the foam away

She left the lad by himself, on his own
All alone, a-sorrowing
And sadly he dreamed, or at least that's the
way it seemed, buddy,
That an angel choir did sing -
An angel choir did sing.

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea.
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the finest thing for me.

And so I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front.
But people just laughed, and said,
"It's a publicity stunt".

So I'm walking backwards for Christmas
To prove that I love you. 

See more on Spike Milligan

Christmas Eve 1944 - Poem by Joy James

Santa's coming to St Ann's, we can be sure of that,
whilst our mam's been dieting, the goose has gotten fat!
Dad's bought home a tree that's a bit frayed round the edges
and we kids write our Santa list for snow and oh yes, sledges!

We know he's heading our way and will soon be coming here,
we 'King' kids have, give or take, been good throughout the year!
Carol singers come a-calling, mam shoos them all away,
she's not a penny to her name now she's catered for this day.

Dad's plucked a hen (the poor man's goose) tied and trussed it tight,
which our mam will set a'cooking in the middle of the night!
Proudly peeking in cupboards overstuffed with Christmas food,
puts a smile upon her face and her in a rare good mood.

The cake tin's filled to bursting with sugar drenched mince pies
and the contents have been counted against certain prying eyes!
Tomorrow they'll grace the table, bought to the Christmas feast;
we'll each get one, though we could eat a dozen at the least!

Giblets, skin, and bloody bits go into the boxing-day pot,
to be joined by tomorrow's chicken bones, be they chewed or not!
Dad hauls up the garlands we kids have licked and stuck
and pins them over the fireplace, amid the coal dust muck.

He gently gets out our old 'friends' and trims the Christmas tree,
there's Santa's, elves and fine glass balls, we count them 1-2-3....
The angel goes on last of all with wand and skirt so wide,
dad sticks her on the topmost branch, no wonder she's boz eyed!

Its sited too close to her larder, blocking her festive fare,
"Couldn't yo' put it somewhere else?" she gives him a steely glare!
Dad ignores the accusing look and as she turns to go,
he grabs and pulls her back for a kiss 'neath the mistletoe.

Now he helps us hang our stockings on the mantelshelf,
where we hope to find them stuffed by Santa and his elf!
It's a rare night for laughter, with fun from A to Zed,
until we hear mam's dulcet tones say "Come on yo' lot, bed!"

Fearlessly we race upstairs, to a mattress sopping wet,
but attic ghosts and bedbugs on this night pose no threat.
Across the road The Beacon shuts, the revellers head for home
loudly calling 'Merry Christmas' to neighbours Fred and Joan.

Footsteps fade, the street is still, the moon rides high and grand,
I slip from bed to window, scratch the frost 'lace' off by hand.
Moffat Street is empty, deserted by one and all
and in the glow of the street lamp I see snow begin to fall.

I scan the skies above me, but of Santa there's no sight.
The creeping frost turns breath to fog this bitter winter night.
Back in bed I wait for what the midnight hour will bring....
the old man from next door will traditionally start to sing.

"Oh come all ye faithful," to the attic his song travels well,
once he's coughed and cleared his throat, his voice begins to swell.
He 'Ding Dongs Merrily On High' 'til his wife drags him to bed.
"You'll go and wake them kids next door,
you're drunk p***d again our Fred."

"Them walls is singing again Mickey" I nudge my brothers chest,
but he is soundly sleeping and doesn't hear my whispered jest.
Now the silent night has crept along this terraced square,
to the attic with the pee soaked bed that three small children share.

Christmas is getting closer, we're in a state of grace,
from all the family traditions our mam has put in place.
With drooping eyes I pray as I kneel upon the floor,
and offer thanks, for on this night, could we ask for more?

 

Footnote:
This is an original poem by Joy James, it's not for reprinting without permission.

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A Somewhat Jaundiced View of Christmas RhymesFunny Christmas Poems

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

Funny Alternative to The Christmas Rhyme

A risk assessment must be submitted before the open sleigh is deemed safe for members of the public.  It must also be considered whether it is appropriate to employ only one horse for this activity, depending on size of sleigh and the persons upon it.  Note that permission from landowners must be gained prior to entering fields. Please also consider those who choose not to participate in Christmas festivities, and keep laughter to a moderate level not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds WatchedFunny Christmas Poems

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around.

Funny Alternative to Poem

Requiring shepherds to watch their flocks without appropriate and flexible seating arrangements is a contravention of health and safety regulations and human rights.  The provision of benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs is recommended.  The angel of the Lord is also reminded that before shining his or her glory around it must be ascertained that all shepherds are issued with suitable eyewear conforming to British Standards for filtering the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and glory.

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Little DonkeyFunny Christmas Poems

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

Funny Alternative to Poem

Strict guidelines issued by the RSPCA [Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals] must be adhered to at all times in relation to the heaviness of the load that Donkey is permitted to carry. A twenty-minute uninterrupted rest break is a statutory requirement per six hours of plodding. It is considered unlawful and an infringement of equine rights for said Mr. Donkey to be referred to in terms bearing relation to his stature which may be perceived to carry negative connotations by Mr Donkey or a third party. Please also note that due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star

Funny Alternative Verse

Navigation by yonder stars is not advised and we would politely suggest that traversing kings make use of satellite navigation or a recognised internet route-finder prior to commencing their journey. This will ensure the quickest route and most optimal journey with regard to fuel consumption is identified. In addition, whilst the gift of gold is considered acceptable, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of allergic reaction caused by such oils and fragrances. A suitable alternative may be a gift voucher.

Back to Classical Short Christmas Poems

Christmas Message - To You

The wish is old,
The wish is true,
A merry Christmas,
My friends, to You.

See more Christmas poems for children.

The Nicest Present Christmas Poems
By Joanna and Karl Fuchs

Under the tree the gifts enthrall,
But the nicest present of them all
Is filling our thoughts with those who care,
Wanting our Christmas joy to share.

To you, whom we're often thinking of,
We send our holiday joy and love.

What Do We Love About Christmas?
Poem by Joanna Fuchs

What do we love about Christmas;
Does our delight reside in things?
Or are the feelings in our hearts
The real gift that Christmas brings.

It's seeing those we love,
And sending Christmas cards, too,
Appreciating people who bring us joy
Special people just like you.

Longfellow

'I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men!

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Nearly a Short Christmas Poem

If I could write words
Like leaves on an autumn forest floor,
What a bonfire my letters would make.
If I could speak words of water,
You would drown when I said
"I love you."

More Classic Poems for Christmas

Ode To the Christmas Tree AngelAngel Poem

The time had come around again it was time to get our tree
In the car we piled us boys, my sister on mum's knee
Out into the country, dad drove for miles and miles
When at last he found the place, we could not contain our smiles.

Dad headed to the tall pine trees, his sharpest axe in hand
Dutiful behind him trailed his merry little band
At last he spied the one he sought, a sapling straight and tall
"This will please your mum" he said, indeed it pleased us all.

With swift clean strokes he had in no time cut it down
We placed the tree atop the car and headed back to town
The decorating of the tree this year would be supervised by Mum
The final piece, "The Angel" would be placed by the youngest one.

This year my baby brother would be helped by sis and me
But as we lifted baby up we tripped and fell into the tree
Tangled in the trimmings we rode the tree as down it came
Mid tears and cries right through the lounge room window pane.

I carried on tradition with my children every year
But when it came to "Angel" time up came a nagging fear
Of breaking glass and angels wings and the message that it sent
To place my tree in a great big pot in reinforced cement!

An Alternative Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the garden to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled there in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest time.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Grandfather died in France , on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gran always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the snows of Ardennes
And now it is my turn to stand with the men.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... a Union flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a trench with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

" So go back inside," he said, "harbour no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Sent from Elsie. - Please send us your Christmas poem.

Religious Christmas Poems

Christmas Tree Gospel

There once was a shining Christmas tree
Standing out where all could see.
Its brilliance captured very eye
And seemed to cheer each passer-by.

"The lights are so bright", they would say
And hesitate to walk away.
The tree stood proud ablaze with light
For every light was burning bright.

Then one bulb was heard to say
"I'm tired of burning night and day;
I think I'11 just go out and rest
For I'm too tired to do my best;
Besides, I am so very small
I doubt if I'd be missed at all."

Then a child lovingly touched the light

"Look, mother, this one shines so very bright.
I think of all the lights upon the tree
This one looks the best to me."

"Oh my goodness," said the light
"I almost dimmed right out of sight.
I thought perhaps no one would care
If I failed to shine my share."
With that a glorious brilliance came
For every light had felt-the same.

Our Gospel, like this Christmas tree

With little lights which are you and me

We each have a space that we must fill
With love, and lessons and good will.
Let's keep our tree ablaze with light
With testimonies burning bright.

For our Gospel is a living tree
That lights the way to eternity.

Twas' the Night Jesus CameTwas' the Night Jesus Came

Twas' the night Jesus came
and all through the house,
Not a person was praying,
not one in the house.

The Bible was left
on the shelf without care,
It's hopes and it's promises
all buried there.

The children were dressing
to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling
or bowing their head.

And Mom in her rocker
with baby on her lap,
was watching the Late Show
while I took a nap.

When out of the east
there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet
to see what's the matter.

Away to the window
I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters
and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here.

More rapid than eagles,
with lightning they came,
And trumpets proclaiming
and praising his name.

The light of His face
made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning here
just like He'd said.

And though I possessed
great wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him
in spite of myself.

In the Book of Life
which he held in his hand,
was written the name
of every saved man.

He spoke not a word
as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here"
My head hung in shame.

The people who's names were written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above.

And then in a twinkling
they rose without sound,
All of His chosen
were now Heaven bound.

I fell to my knees
but it was too late,
I waited too long
thus sealing my fate.

I stood and I cried
as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd know
that this was the night.

And then I awoke,
this dream, ....such a fright.
Twas' the night BEFORE Jesus came
There's still time to get right!

A Puppy's Christmas PoemA Puppy's Christmas

It's the day before Christmas
And all through the house
The puppies are squeaking
An old rubber mouse.

The wreath which had merrily
Hung on the door
Is scattered in pieces
All over the floor.

The stockings that hung
In a neat little row
Now boast a hole in
Each one of the toes.

The tree was subjected
To bright-eyed whims,
And now, although splendid,
It's missing some limbs.

I catch them and hold them.
"Be good", I insist.
They lick me, then run off
To see what they've missed.

And now as I watch them
The thought comes to me,
That theirs is the spirit
That Christmas should be.

Should children and puppies
Yet show us the way,
And teach us the joy
That should come with this day?

Could they bring the message
That's written above,
And tell us that, most of all
Christmas is love.

Anonymous

Frosty The Snowman - Lyrics by Steve 'Jack' Rollins and Steve Nelson

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day.

There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.
O, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be,
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me.

Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow.

In 1950 Gene Autry and the Cass Country Boys recorded 'Frosty the Snowman'.  Other artists have made cover versions including Ella Fitzgerald and The Jackson 5.

Some versions have an extra verse.

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he said, 'Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away.'
Down to the village,
With a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there all
Around the square saying,
Catch me if you can.

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler 'Stop!'
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
'Don't you cry,
I'll be back again some day.'

Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow.

Frosty the Snowman is a popular Christmas song written by Steve 'Jack' Rollins and Steve Nelson and recorded by Gene Autry and the Cass County Boys in 1950. Like Jingle Bells and several other songs about winter, Frosty the Snowman is considered to be a Christmas song despite not mentioning Christmas at all. It was written after Gene Autry recorded 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' and the single sold 2 million copies.

A Longer Christmas Poem by Ogden Nash

The Boy Who Laughed at Santa ClausThe Boy Who Laughed at Santa Claus by Ogden Nash

In Baltimore there lived a boy,
He wasn't anybody's joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes,
His character was full of flaws.
In school he never led his classes,
He hid old ladies' reading glasses,
His mouth was open when he chewed,
And elbows to the table glued.

He stole the milk of hungry kittens,
And walked through doors marked ' No Admittance' .
He said he acted thus because
There wasn't any Santa Claus.
Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying ' Boo!' at little babies.
He brushed his teeth, they said in town,
Sideways instead of up and down.

Yet people pardoned every sin,
And viewed his antics with a grin,
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes, 'There isn't any Santa Claus!' Deploring how he did behave,
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly,
And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,
He sped to spread the rumor wild: 'Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes
There isn't any Santa Claus!' Slunk like a weasel or a marten
Through nursery and kindergarten,
Whispering low to every tot, 'There isn't any, no there's not!'

The children wept all Christmas Eve
And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared to hang up his stocking
For fear of Jabez' ribald mocking.
He sprawled on his untidy bed,
Fresh malice dancing in his head,
When presently with scalp a-tingling,
Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof
Crisply alighting on the roof.

What good to rise and bar the door?
A shower of soot was on the floor.
What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?
The fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Then Jabez fell upon his knees
With cries of ' Don't , 'and ' Pretty please.' He howled, 'I don't know where you read it,
But anyhow, I never said it!'

'Jabez, 'replied the angry saint, 'It isn't I, it's you that ain't .
Although there is a Santa Claus,
There isn't any Jabez Dawes!' Said Jabez with impudent vim, 'Oh, yes there is; and I am him!
Your magic don't scare me, it doesn't ' And suddenly he found he wasn't!

From grimy feet to grimy locks,
Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,
An ugly toy with springs unsprung,
Forever sticking out his tongue.
The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;
They searched for him, but not with zeal.
No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,
Which led to thunderous applause,
And people drank a loving cup
And went and hung their stockings up.

All you who sneer at Santa Claus,
Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
The saucy boy who mocked the saint.
Donner and Blitzen licked off his paint.

Alternative Ending to Santa Claus by Ogden Nash

......After
And went and hung their stockings up.

All you who sneer at Santa Claus, beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,
The saucy boy who told the saint off; the child who got him, licked his paint off.

  

Footnote:
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