What we find is that everyone groans eight and laughs at two of these
ten. The strange thing is everyone has a different pair that they
What does a frog do if his car breaks down? He gets it toad
What do you call a crazy golfer? A crack put.
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers? A nervous wreck.
What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve? Auld Fang Syne.
What is black and white and noisy? A zebra with a drum kit.
What's the fastest thing in water? A motor pike.
What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A doyouthinkhesawus.
What do you get if you cross a hen with a bedside clock? An
Where are the Andes? On the end of the armies.
3 More Cracker Riddles
How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf? He has Santa
claws! Dave Hill
Never read a popup book about giraffes. Sean Lock
What do you give a railway station master for Christmas?
Platform shoes. Will
Modern, Hilarious Christmas Riddles
What's the slogan for the Eskimo lottery? 'You've got to be
Inuit to win you it!' Alistair McGowan
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ...... So
the barman gives her one. Meera Syal
How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three: the left ear, the
right ear, and the final front ear. Ben Miller
Who's the bane of Santa's life? The elf and safety officer.
A French Cat, Un Deux Trois, and an English cat, One Two Three, went
for a swimming race round a lake. Who won? One Two Thee, because Un Deux
Trois Quatre Cinque. Jo Brand [Will says repeat
this out loud]
Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I
found myself dancing in a cheesy bar... Or, as you like to call it,
delicatessen. Sean Hughes
Man: I'll have the steak and kiddley pie, please. Waiter: I think
you mean steak and kidney? Man: That's what I said, diddle I?
Knock knock. Who's there? Sir Terry. Sir Terry who? How
quickly they forget. Jimmy Tarbuck
Why did the turkey cross the road? Are you kidding? It's
Christmas - he should run a mile. Stephen K Amos
Why did the atheist cross the road? So he could see both sides.
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his
soul to Santa. Steve Pemberton
How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poker face. Shazia
I've started dating this Jewish podiatrist. I'm in love with her
footspa. Phil Nichol
What do you call a man who's been diagnosed with attention deficit
disorder? These are good crackers, aren't they? Who bought
these? Chris Addison
Thanks to the Guardian Newspaper for these funny Christmas riddles.
Christmas Crackers are called 'Bon-Bons' in countries such as Australia
and South Africa. Will and Guy are unsure if Christmas cracker
riddles are also called bon-bons in Ireland. These one-liners usually
make us groan rather than laugh out loud.
See more bon-bon cracker jokes here.
Will and Guy Suspect British Law is Crackers. The 1875
Explosives Act, currently in force in the UK, apparently considers
Christmas crackers to be covered by this archaic law. This means
that an 'explosive' cracker cannot be sold to minors.
This law was shown up to be so stupid when 22 year old student,
Heather Walsh, attempted to buy a box of 10, for Christmas Day in her
local Marks and Spencer's in York, England. Asked if she was over 16
years old Miss Walsh, who has an University degree was told the
'crackers were classed as explosives', Will and Guy have learned. She
was told by staff that they were 'protecting me by not selling me them
and they suggested that if I was left alone with the crackers I couldn't
be trusted and might blow myself up.'
You couldn't make it up, and we think that this law is definitely
More Christmas Crackers
It is claimed that Tom Smith, a baker of wedding cakes from London, invented the Christmas
cracker probably in the 1840's. On a visit to Paris he saw some sugar almonds [bon-bons] wrapped in twisted paper. On his return to England Tom designed a cracker shape; also inspired by the sound of
logs crackling in a fire, and founded a cracker manufacturers in 1847, which still exists today - possibly the largest manufacturer in the world.
Daniel aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.
He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.
Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, 'I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't
a Santa Claus way back then, so these three blokes
on camels had to deliver all the toys. And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't
there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way
More Christmas Cracker Jokes and Riddles
What do you get if Santa comes down your chimney when the fire
is ablaze? Crisp Kringle.
Why does rain drop, but snow fall? (Nobody can answer this
What do you call people who are frightened of Santa? Will's
Answer: Claustraphopic. (Guy's answer:
Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune. Notice
on the back: 'Potential choking hazard: do not use with food'.
What do you get if you team Santa with a detective? Santa
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the
ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has No L (Noel).
Passing the Mayfair Chinese Restaurant on the corner of Castle Road (the premises where Peter Sellers was born) today 3rd January, on my way back from seeing Sheridan, I saw that there was
a handwritten notice on the glass in the door. It read and looked like this:
KITCHEN ON FIRE
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
Don't know how long the notice had been there, but I did not see any smoke, fire engines or road closures!
It must have ruined their Christmas and New Year trade!
'Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?' Second soldier: 'Certainly not.'
First soldier: 'Why not?' Second soldier: 'Because it's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert.'
Hanukkah - A Jewish Special Occasion
Hanukkah is a Jewish holiday celebrated for eight days and nights. It
starts on the 25th of the Jewish month of Kislev, which coincides with late
November - late December on the secular calendar.
See our Hanukkah jokes.
Footnote: Please send us your funny Christmas
cracker jokes and riddles.
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