Funny Christmas Quotes

Short Funny Christmas StoriesFunny Christmas Quotes

Will and Guy have a funny quote for every occasion.  We are confident that you will find 2 or 3 witty quotations for a Christmas Day, Boxing Day or a New Year's Eve get-together.

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Funny Christmas Quotes About SantaFunny Christmas Quotes Santa

  1. 'I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.'  Bernard Manning
  2. 'I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.  Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.'
    Shirley Temple
  3. 'Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?'
    Tom Armstrong
  4. 'Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist.  What's in that pipe that he's smoking?'
    Arlo Guthrie
  5. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 
    You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
    Anonymous
  6. You know you're getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.
    Robert Paul
  7. Who's the bane of Santa's life?
    The elf and safety officer.  Catherine Tate
  8. 'Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.'  Victor Borge  See more funny Santa quotes.
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General Hilarious Christmas QuotesFunny Christmas Quotes

Here are more festive sayings by the famous.

  • 'The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C.  This wasn't for any religious reasons. T hey couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.'
    Jay Leno
  • 'Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree.  In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.'
    Larry Wilde
  • 'Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!'
    Ogden Nash
  • Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.
    Richard Lamm
  • Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.
  • 'A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing.'
    Anonymous
  • The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
    Benjamin Franklin
  • Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
  • What a wonderful life I've had. I only wish I'd realized it sooner.
    Colette
  • Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
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Amusing Quotes from Christmas Movies

Here are some famous Christmas quotes from the movies.  As usual, we have a mixture of happy and sad quotes.Christmas Traditions Germany

  1. Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas?
    You know... the birth of Santa.
    Bart Simpson
  2. Snowman: Did you hear about the church that burned down?
    Statler, Waldorf: Holy smoke!
    Muppets
  3. Doris: Would you please tell her that you're not really Santa Claus, that there actually is no such person?
    Kris Kringle: Well, I hate to disagree with you, but not only is there such a person, but here I am to prove it.
    'Miracle on 34th Street' (A quote from one of the best Christmas movies)
  4. Look, Daddy. Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
    It's A Wonderful Life
  5. Charlie, stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They all look like they've got key lime disease.
    The Santa Clause
  6. Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren't a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it? Charlie Brown Christmas Movie Quote
  7. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film. Children's Funny Ideas

See more funny quotes.

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Ten of the Best Christmas Movies

  1. Christmas In Connecticut (1945) - Barbara Stanwyck
  2. It's A Wonderful Life (1946) - Frank Capra [Best Christmas Movie]
  3. Miracle On 34th Street (1947) - Kris Kringle
  4. Scrooge (1951) - Alistair Sim
  5. White Christmas (1954) - Bing Crosby Classic
  6. A Charlie Brown Christmas
  7. Mister Magoo's Christmas Carol
  8. A Christmas Story (1883) - Bob Clark
  9. Joyeux Noel (2005) - WW1 Football Game in the Trenches
  10. Olive the Other Reindeer

Christmas Quotes: Angels

  • Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels.  Hebrews
  • We are like children, who stand in need of masters to enlighten us and direct us; and God has provided for this, by appointing his angels to be our teachers and guides.  Saint Thomas Aquinas
  • We shall find peace. We shall hear angels, we shall see the sky sparkling with diamonds.  Chekov
  • These things I warmly wish for you: Someone to love, some work to do, A bit o' sun, a bit o' cheer, And a guardian angel always near.  Irish Blessing
  • True friends are like angels. They are precious and rare, and false friends are like leaves, found everywhere.
  • See more about Christmas angels.

Inspirational Rather Than Funny Christmas QuotationsChristmas Inspirational quotes

Here are delightful quotations to help us appreciate and reflect on Christmas.

  • 'There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries.'
    W. J. Cameron
  • 'Christmas is the keeping-place for memories of our innocence.'
    Joan Mills
  • 'Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.'
    Norman Vincent Peale
  • 'Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.'
    Helen Steiner Rice
  • 'The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.'
  • 'I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.'
    Harlan Miller
  • 'Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under a tree.'
    Charlotte Carpenter
  • 'There has been only one Christmas - the rest are anniversaries.'
    W.J. Cameron.
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  • 'A Christmas candle is a lovely thing; It makes no noise at all, But softly gives itself away; While quite unselfish, it grows small.'
    Eva K. Logue
  • 'I heard the bells on Christmas Day
    Their old, familiar carols play,
    And wild and sweet the words repeat
    Of peace on earth, goodwill to men! - Longfellow
  • 'I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.'
    Charles Dickens
  • Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad.
    Norm Papernick
  • 'He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.'
    Roy L. Smith.

More Inspirational Quotes for Christmas

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