Funny Christmas Pictures, Jokes and Festive Stories

Funny Christmas pictures, jokes and festive stories

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys any more?  It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Committee.

• Santa's Outfit
• Christmas Spirit
• Scrooge's Christmas Tree
• Crafty Cockney - Christmas Caper
• Christmas Cracker One-liners
• Christmas Store Problem

Santa's Outfit

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.

Please Don't Show this Picture of Santa to the Kids

Christmas Spirit

It was just before Christmas and the magistrate was in a happy mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, 'What are you charged with?'

The prisoner replied, 'Doing my Christmas shopping too early'.

'That's no crime', said the magistrate. 'Just how early were you doing this shopping?'

'Before the shop opened', answered the prisoner.

Scrooge's Christmas Tree

What scrooge would buy a Christmas tree like the above?

Here below, is more the sort of Christmas tree we need.

Crafty Cockney - Christmas Caper

Moira lost her handbag in the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in Oxford Street, London.

A small boy found it and he returned to her. Looking in her purse, Moira reasoned, 'Hmmm.... that's strange.  When I lost my bag there was a £20 note in it. Now there are four £5 notes.'

The boy quickly replied with a charming smile and in a cockney accent, 'That's right, madam. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward.'

Christmas Cracker One-liners

Q1: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?
Ans: He's a fun guy to be with.

Q2: What does 'DNA' stand for?
Ans: National Dyslexic Association"

Q3: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Ans: Hose A,  and Hose B

Q4: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
Ans: At the baa baa shop.

Q5: What's the most popular Christmas wine?
Ans: 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

Curious Question

Why does rain drop, but snow fall?

Christmas Pudding Charms

Sterling silver charms to bring good fortune.  Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.

Christmas Store Problem

Last Thursday morning 50 customers waited outside the Wal-Mart supermarket in West-Bend, Wisconsin, USA. They wanted to be the first to buy Sony PlayStation 3 game consoles as Christmas presents. Unfortunately, the shop only had 10 consoles for sale. Simple maths suggests that 50 does not go into 10. 

The assistant manager had a brain wave, a cunning plan, no less. He would organise a sort of musical chairs without the music. That is: he decided to put the 50 people in the shop car park; he then place 10 chairs just outside Wal-Mart's entrance, on a shout of 'go' the first ten to sit down would get the consoles on the Friday. 

50 people stampeded towards the chairs, no hold barred. One man struck his head on a lamp post and had to go to hospital, another bruised his head and knee badly. 

However, the first 10 on the chairs got their PlayStation 3s. 

See more Christmas jokes and funny pictures:

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