Samantha decided to go carol singing on Christmas Eve. She knocked on the door of a house and began to sing.
A man, holding a clarinet, opened the door to the house. In a few seconds tears were
streaming down his face.
Samantha continued singing for at least a further 20 minutes. She sang every carol she knew. At last she stopped. 'I understand,' she said softly. 'You are remembering your
happy childhood Christmas days. You really are extremely sentimental.'
Choking back the tears the man answered between sobs, 'No..........I'm a musician.'
Footnote: Please send us your funny Christmas
carols and stories.
Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are ...
Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
Amnesia - I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas.
Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town To Get Us.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder - Hark the Herald Angels Sing
About Me.
Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better
not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why.
Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave
My House.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I
Burned Down the House
Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the-it's snowing-can I have a chocolate-why is France so far away?
Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
Funny Christmas Carol Lyrics
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth
Every body stops and stares at me These two teeth are
gone as you can see I don't know just who to blame for this
catastrophe! But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as
it can be!
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two
front teeth, see my two front teeth!
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Grandma got run over by a reindeer Walking home from our house
Christmas eve. You can say there's no such thing as Santa, But
as for me and Grandpa, we believe. She'd been drinkin' too much
egg nog, And we'd begged her not to go. But she'd left her
medication, So she stumbled out the door into the snow. When
they found her Christmas mornin', At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead, And incriminatin' Claus
marks on her back.
I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus
Best to use the tune: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' by The Fibs
Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus In my home town shopping
mall last night. I knew it must be him Santa is a very slim.
And his sideburns where much darker Than the whiskers on his chin.
Oh, I saw Elvis dressed as Santa Claus Hiding under that beard
of snowy white. Then I saw his whiskers slip, When he curled his
lip. Elvis dressed as Santa Claus last night.
You better watch out You better not cry Better not pout I'm
telling you why Santa Claus is coming to town He's making a list
And checking it twice; Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice Santa
Claus is coming to town He sees you when you're sleeping He knows
when you're awake He knows
if you've been bad or good So be good for goodness sake! O! You
better watch out! You better not cry Better not pout I'm telling
you why Santa Claus is coming to town Santa Claus is coming to town
4 More Funny Christmas Carol Titles That Escaped From The Top 10
Antisocial Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an
Open Fire
Bipolar Disorder (Manic Episode) - Deck The Halls And Walls And
House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And
Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And.......
Alzheimer's Disease/Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland
Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
Will and Guy are aware of the plethora of versions of The Night before
Christmas and we think that many, but not all, are rather contrived and
fairly meaningless. However, we have found this anonymous version the
sentiment with which we both agree.
We hope that you will find it thought provoking and even, perhaps, it
will bring a smile to your face.
'Twas the night before Christmas and out on the ranch The pond was
froze over and so was the branch. The snow was piled up belly-deep to a
mule. The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see- Just all sprawled around a-watchin'
TV. Then suddenly, sometime around 8 o'clock, There came a surprise
that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead! When Grandpa came in from out in
the shed With an armload of wood, the house was all dark. 'Just what I
expected,' they heard him remark.
'Them power line wires must be down from the snow. Seems sorter like
times on the ranch long ago.' 'I'll hunt up some candles,' said Mom.
'With their light, And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right.'
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom. Then Grandpa came back
from a trip to his room, Uncased his old fiddle and started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, and first thing they knew Both Pop and the kids
were all singing it, too. They sang Christmas carols, they sang 'Holy
Night,' Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth, And Pop read a
passage from God's Book of Truth. They stayed up till midnight-and, would
you believe, The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn; And when the kids wakened,
the power was back on. 'The power company sure got the line repaired
quick,' Said Grandpa - and no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun, He had pulled the
main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!
￥
A Christmas Carol
A Christmas Carol was
written by Charles Dickens in 1834. It is perhaps the first time we see the idea of celebrating Christmas at home with the family. The story features such famous characters as Ebenezer Scrooge, Tiny
Tim and Bob ratchit, and of course the Ghosts of Christmas, Past, Present and Future.
Ebenezer Scrooge
Scrooge is the world's most
maligned character. How do we think of Ebenezer Scrooge? Firstly it's always Scrooge and never Ebenezer, secondly we always see him as hating children and being mean with money. If you find the time to
read Charles Dickens novel 'A Christmas Carol', then you will discover a more complex personality. Indeed, the novel shows that Scrooge as a Jekyll and Hyde tendencies, where good overcomes evil.
The name
Scrooge has become synonymous with meanness, and nothing is likely to change that general perception. We must also remember that Scrooge is a product of his time - London in the 1840s.
The Original Scrooge
The original Scrooge (who pre-dated Ebenezer) was probably Oliver Cromwell and his Puritan Council, who, in December 1657 abolished all Christmas festivities. These were restored in 1660 when
King Charles the second was returned to the throne.
Here is another amusing Yule time ditty adapting the theme: 'Twas the
night before Christmas....
A Parent's Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched
for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were
inspired, In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The
children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, While Dad and I faced the
evening with dread: A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no parts be
missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or
replacement; If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear, But 50 sheets of
directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every
slot named, So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, All over the carpet
they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right
there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves,
and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers
had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
Θ
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, Till our eyes, they
went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it
wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest, We fell into bed for a
well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, And not have to run to the
store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the
perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, Though I
suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded... I'd forgotten
that batteries are never included!
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one horse open sleigh Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one
horse open sleigh
Dashing through the snow In a one horse open sleigh O'er the fields we go Laughing all the way Bells on bob tails ring Making spirits bright What fun it is to laugh and
sing A sleighing song tonight
A day or two ago I thought I'd take a ride And soon Miss Fanny Bright Was seated by my side The horse was lean and lank Misfortune seemed
his lot We got into a drifted bank And then we got upsot
Health, Safety and Equality Considerations for Christmas Songs
Jingle Bells
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is
considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk
assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one
horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger
proportions. Please note: permission must be gained from landowners
before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating
in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not
loud enough to be considered noise pollution.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched Their flocks by night All seated on the
ground The angel of the Lord came down And glory shone around
The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
orthopaedic chairs must be made available. Shepherds have also requested
that, due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year, they
should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated observation
huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining
his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been
issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB
and Glory.
∫
Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you
ever saw him, you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is
inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of
any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer
from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary
action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full
investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on
full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road Got to keep on plodding
onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a
donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the
guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many
rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that
due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph
are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne
particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled
'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To
comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of
his equine rights
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are Bearing gifts we traverse afar Field
and fountain, moor and mountain Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be
redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc,
gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential
risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift
alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's
name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would advise that the traversing kings do not rely on navigation by
stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of AA
Routefinder or GPS navigation, which will provide the quickest route and
advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from
the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will
require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also
advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.
Away in a Manger No Crib for a Bed
Social Services will visit and may remove any child to a place of safety
pending further action against parents, or other persons, who may be found
to be guilty of neglect by not providing adequate bedding and shelter for a
child in their care. Criminal proceedings may be instituted after a case
study has been carried out and fully discussed at a full meeting of the
appropriate Social Services Committee.
When Santa got stuck up the chimney, He began to shout, You girls
and boys, Won't get any toys, If you don't pull me out. There's
soot on my back, And my beard is all black, My nose is tickling too!
When Santa got stuck up the chimney, Achoo, Achoo, Achoo.
't Was on the eve before Christmas Day, When Santa Claus arrived on
his sleigh, Into the chimney he climbed with his sack, But he was so
fat - he couldn't get back. Oh, what a terrible plight, gangway, He
stayed up there all night. When Santa got stuck up the chimney, He
began to yell. Oh hurry, please, It's all such a squeeze, The
reindeer's stuck as well! His head's up there in the cold night air,
Now Rudolph's nose is BLUE! When Santa got stuck up the chimney, Achoo,
Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, Achoo, ACHOO!
Θ
Classic Funny Christmas Carol
I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus
I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus, Underneath the mistletoe last night.
She didn't see me creep, Down the stairs to have a peep. She thought
that I was tucked up In my bedroom fast asleep! Then, I saw Mummy
tickle Santa Claus, Underneath his beard so snowy white. Oh, what a
laugh it would have been, If Daddy had only seen, Mummy kissing Santa
Claus last night!
The following funny Christmas "carols" can be sung to popular Christmas
tunes.
The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen
To be sung to the tune: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen"
The restroom door said Gentlemen So I just walked inside I took two
steps and realized I'd been taken for a ride I heard high voices
turned and found The place was occupied By two nuns, three old ladies,
and a nurse What could be worse? Than two nuns, three old ladies and
a nurse.
The restroom door said Gentlemen It must have been a gag As soon as
I walked in there I ran into some old hag She sprayed me with a can of
mace And snapped me with her bag. I could tell this just wouldn't be
my day What can I say? It just wasn't turning out to be my day.
The restroom door said Gentlemen And I would like to find The
crummy little creep who had the nerve to switch the sign Cause I've got
two black eyes And one high heel up my behind Now I can't sit with
comfort and joy Boy, oh, boy.
[The writer of the above funny Christmas song is unknown]
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas Just like the ones I used to know Where the treetops glisten and children listen To hear sleigh bells in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas With
every Christmas card I write May your days be merry and bright And may all your Christmases be white.
I'm dreaming of a white Christmas With every Christmas card I write May your days be merry
and bright And may all your Christmases be white.
Snowy Garden
This photograph is of Will's back garden, and was taken by his son, Alex. It
reminds him of the Irving Berlin song, 'White Christmas', immortalised by Bing
Crosby and regularly sung by Will's late father as he pottered at home.
Interestingly, however, the picture was taken on 6th April -not at Christmas
time - furthermore, Will lives in the south of England where it rarely snows.
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