Guy's Best Funny Christmas Jokes
Romeo: What would it take to make you give me a kiss under the Christmas mistletoe?
Juliette: An anaesthetic.
Pupils at a school in Sweden are being terrorised by a drunken elk (Like reindeer, only smaller). Police say the animal has probably been eating fermented apples in a garden, reports Sky News.
Jan Caiman, a police officer in Molndal, said, 'That could be the problem. We could be dealing with a boozy elk'. Elk can weigh as much as 1,000 lb and personnel at the school described the erratic male as 'completely mad'. The receptionist at the school, near Molndal, in the south of the country, told the Gothenburg Post, 'The children are really scared'. Police have contacted hunters and said that if the animal does not sober up and calm down, it could be shot.
Santa Claus received a parking ticket from an official in Brooklyn.
Word has reached Will and Guy that a New York parking official has penalised Santa Claus for a parking offence while delivering his presents to needy children. Santa Claus [aka Chip Cafiero, a retired schoolteacher] received the $115 USD ticket in Brooklyn. Apparently he shouted to the official, 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' but he was completely ignored.
Santa claims that his horse-drawn carriage and a SUV carrying the toys was not causing an obstruction. We are not able to raise a comment from the police but a local politician has said the parking ticket is 'ridiculous.'
A Thoughtful Christmas Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Christmas.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
Santa Banta goes into a bar in New York.
The man on his right orders a drink, 'Johnnie Walker, single.'
The man on his left says, 'Jack Daniels, single.'
Santa says. 'Santa Singh, married.'
Finest Christmas Trees
It was the day after Christmas at St Peter and St Paul's church in Borden, Kent, England. Father John, the vicar, was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Father John's thoughts turned to calling in the local policeman but as he was about to do so, he saw little Nathan with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Father John approached Nathan and asked him, 'Well, Nathan, where did you get the little infant?'
Nathan looked up, smiled and replied, 'I took him from the church.'
'And why did you take him?'
With a sheepish grin, Nathan said, 'Well, Father John, about a week before Christmas I prayed to Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'
Christmas Eve sermon: 'What is hell?'
Home alone one Christmas, a Maine woman was in the doghouse when she called the "Butterball Turkey Talk-Line".
Apparently found Will and Guy, while preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught.
After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider.
It worked and Maxwell was free. Too silly to make up say Will and Guy.
Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress. So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, 'May I try on that dress in the window, please?'
'Certainly not, madam,' responded the salesgirl, 'You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.'
Let Me Explain the Nose Job Procedure
Will and Guy are building a collection of 'Right Christmas Presents' and 'Wrong Presents'. Here are examples.
Crazy 8 Ball - Right Present
This looks like like a normal Pool ball but it has one difference, namely a bias which makes it wobble and go in all directions, except the one intended. Just watch the amazement on your opponents face, as after you have discretely substituted the 8 Ball, he tries his pot!
Beer Alarm - Wrong Present
You can protect you pint with this Beer Burglar Alarm System. Attach the 'sucker' to the side of your beer glass or bottle, set the proximity alert and walk away. Whenever someone comes within 30cm (12 inches) of your beer the mafia style voice alert sounds: 'Keepa Da Hands off ma BEER!'
Pete bought his wife, Thelma, a beautiful diamond ring as her Christmas present.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a John, his friend, commented, 'I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.'
'Oh, Thelma did, Pete replied, 'But where on earth was I going to find a fake Jeep?'
'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
Wrappings and toys littered the floor,
With Mom in her robe and I in my jeans,
When suddenly the doorbell: it started to clatter,
The new-fallen snow, now blackened with soot,
But suddenly in view, did I gasp and pant:
The door flew open and in they came,
On Discover, on Visa, on American Express,
The black-suited men, so somber, so strict,
They stared at me with a look I couldn't miss,
I shrugged my shoulders, but then I grew bolder,
"As you can see," I said with a smile,
The scent of burnt ash came to my nose,
Without another word they turned and walked out,
by David Frank
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
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