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The Aunty Test

Will and Guy's 'Aunty Test'

Any jokes on this site have to pass my Aunty test.  The test is: would Aunty approve of this joke, story, picture, given that she won't tolerate blue jokes and has never been know to utter a swear word, or a blasphemy of any kind.

Fortunately, Aunty has no interest in, or access to a computer.  If she had a computer I could not write this page, as she would be 'having a word with me'.  Incidentally, Will and Guy have other friends and relatives who do have a computer, and we would not want them to see risqué jokes or smutty pictures.

There Is More to Aunty Than a Prim Little Old Lady!

Aunty is not all that she seems.  For a start, she frequently uses the one word that is so taboo that it cannot be used on British television - even after the 9 o'clock watershed.  This word is sometimes whispered as a single letter, found near the middle of the alphabet between 'm' and 'p'.  Aunty has been using the word unabashed since the 1920s.

Once a week Aunty drives from her village to the local town.  Increasingly she found it difficult to find a parking spot in the high street.  Eventually she decided to park on the wiggly waggly lines.  In fact she regarded the wiggly waggly lines as her own private parking space.  Aunty had a point in that she had been parking in the high street on a Thursday for longer than anyone could remember.  However, in law, she had no leg to stand on as the wiggly waggly lines were part of the pedestrian crossing.  The local traffic warden and policemen must have warned, cautioned and booked her at least twenty times, but it had no effect, she continued to park on the wiggly waggly lines every Thursday.

After a while her cases came to court, but she was never convicted of any offence.  Rumour has it that one of her cases was adjourned seventeen times because each time a different magistrate had to decline her case because they knew her personally.  At least five magistrates were blood relatives, and many of the others had used her as a referee when they had applied to be a magistrate.

The matter was only resolved when three senior members of her family, magistrates all, bearded Aunty in her lair.  They pointed out gingerly the embarrassment that they faced when dealing with her summonses and asked her as a personal favour, if she would stop parking on the wiggly waggly lines.' I'll stop right away' she said, 'but one of you will have to drive me into town each Thursday'. 'Done deal' they said in unison.

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Here Is a Story Aunty Would be Proud To Tell

One of The Funniest 'Little Old Lady' Stories

This is an actual letter that an 86 year old lady sent to her bank. It was even published in the New York Times, and kindly sent to us by Alicia Moss.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, - when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH Little old lady story

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that
Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

 

Your Humble Client

 

Article by: Guy Thomas

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