Funny Wedding Speech Jokes
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle.
Ten Clean, Funny Jokes For The MC To Tell At A Wedding
Follow the Priest
Clean Jokes to Work into Your Wedding Speech
There are stories on this page for everyone. Whatever the bride and groom's circumstances an MC (master of ceremonies) is sure to find a funny wedding speech joke here.
'Darling,' says Barry to his wife, Sarah, 'I invited a friend home for supper.'
'What? Are you crazy?' Sarah splutters, 'The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't much feel like cooking a fancy meal.'
'I know all that,' murmurs Barry.
'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?' explodes Sarah.
'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married,' concludes Barry.
Rupert and Elaine, young couple, got married and went happily on their
'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'
Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'
'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?'
How even a nervous, first-time
Molly and Peter have been married for almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with 23 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'
While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'
'Sure, man, we are,' Alan replied.
'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?' another bloke asked.
Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her back.'
*Geordie - is a regional nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name of the dialect of English spoken by these people.
Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'
His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'
So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'
'Who?' splutters his Dad.
'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.
'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says. 'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'
'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'
'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.
'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.
'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.
'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'
So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'
'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'
Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'
The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, 'What are your requirements, please?'
'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'
The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.'
What more can Will and Guy say! If all else fails, asking for help will get you a laugh and buy you time.
At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service.
Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five.
Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears.
If you need any ideas for wedding favours, see ido.co.uk.
1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.
2nd year - 'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat when you're hungry.'
3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?'
4th year - 'No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.'
5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'
6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.'
7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the supermarket.'
Please send us your funny wedding speech jokes.
More Examples of Wedding Humour
Thanks to readers' letters Will and Guy have collated more MC wedding jokes, which are suitable for telling at the stag night, or the reception itself.
The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.
While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...
... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)
"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great.
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
As the last nupuals that I attened there were a priest and a minister.
The priest commented, 'No alcohol for me I'd rather go with a scarlet
Now as the best man, I don't want to offend anyone so if there is a priest or a minister present I apologise, and if there is a scarlet woman here: I'll meet you in the bar in 10 minutes!
Strange, True and Funny Wedding Idea
A Romanian groom is trying to pay for his marriage by selling advertising space on his wedding tie. Tudor Ciora, 26, from Sibiu, has set up a website for bidders and he hopes that he'll easily pay for the ceremony and some special presents.
Companies can pay €20* for a slot near the top of his tie, €15 for one in the middle or just €10 to have their name at the bottom of the tie.
*€1 = $1.35 USD
Those Wanting to Be Married
Father Henry was planning a wedding at the close of the morning service. After the benediction Father Henry had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation. For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
'Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?' Father Henry requested.
Immediately; nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
Men always want to be a woman's first love;
Hilary, a grandmother, overhears her 5-year-old granddaughter, Mo, playing "weddings."
As the little girl, Mo, marches the bride down the aisle, the marriage vows went something like this: 'You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.'
The order of speeches is traditionally as follows:
The father of the bride usually talks fondly about his daughter. As with most speeches, it is accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works well. He then toasts the bride and groom.
The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you." The groom then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids
*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.
The best man's speech now follows. He thanks the bride and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound. Finally the best man should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom. A modern trend is also for the maid-of honor to make a speech.
Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your wedding speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages. If you find any other funny wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us.
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