Police Humour

Police Humour: Jokes and Short Stories to Make You LaughPolice Humour

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Ireland's Worst Driver - Mr Prawo JazdyFunny Polish Stories

This is one of the funniest examples of police humour that Will and Guy have encountered for many a year.

To be sure, your man Prawo Jazdy is a slippery fellow.  He's wanted for 50 different driving offences all over Ireland.  Now, Prawo is clever because every time we book him, his driving licence has a different address.  Every man in the *Garda has a different theory about how this 'Scarlet Pimpernel' escapes the clutches of the law.  Finally, the penny dropped, Prawo Jardy is not a Hungarian name, but the Polish words for Driving Licence.

The Garda had caught 53 different Polish drivers, but thought they were dealing with the same man.  Naturally, the Polish community in Ireland are having a good laugh about Mr Prawo Jazdy.

*Garda are the Irish Police force.

Service Charge?

Policeman: I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night.

Man: What's the charge officer?

Policeman: Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.

Rare Offence

Solly, the elderly tramp, is brought, by the police, before the magistrate and he doesn't half smell; in fact he is distinctly olid.

The judge says, 'What's the charge against this man?'

The policeman says, 'A fragrancy charge, your honour.' Police Humour

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Something Missing?Funny Police Stories

Last week, Vicky, a distraught wife went to the local police station in Wigan, Lancashire, along with her next-door neighbour, Pauline, to report that her husband was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.

Vicky described him clearly and in detail, 'He is 35 years old, 6ft 4inches, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is softly-spoken and is fabulous with the children.

Pauline interrupts her protesting, 'Why Vicky, your husband is 5 ft 8 inches, corpulent, bald, has a big mouth, and is horrid to your children.

Vicky replied, with a sigh, 'Yes, but who wants HIM back?'

10 Bungling Burglar Stories

  1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'
  2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.
  3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him to the him and called the police.
  4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.
  5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.
  6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.
  7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.
  8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
  9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.
  10. A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

Police Come Knocking

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Police Visit

3am. A knock on the door.
It's the police.
He feared the worse.
May have to share the last piece of cake.

A Riot of Colour!

Riot policemen stand with their shields spray-painted by students during a demonstration in Bogota, Colombia.

Students took part in a nationwide protest against the government reform of public universities.

Police Graphitti

Skulduggery in the GardenFunny Police Speed Gun

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'

'Hello, is this FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.'
'This will be noted.'

Next day, the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.

The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?'
'Yeah, they did.'

'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep, every piece.'

'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'

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More Examples of Police Humour

Police Uniform?

Sonya asks a man in uniform, 'Are you a policeman?'

'No, I am an undercover detective.'

'So why are you in a policeman's uniform?' demands Sonya.

'Today is my day off.'

Police Force Resign Enmasse [True Story] Police Lottery Win

Will and Guy can inform you that a town's entire police force has resigned in Hungary after winning more than £10 GBP million [$16.4million USD] in a lottery.

The 15-strong squad policing Budaörs, a town in Pest county, Budapest metropolitan area, Hungary, scooped the jackpot with their ticket and all quit on the spot.

Another True Funny Police Story

A bank robber in Virginia Beach Virginia, USA got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his trousers.

The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door.

A police spokesman informed us, 'He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants.'

Police have the man's charred trousers safely in custody.

Police Humour - Frontline Stories

A Speeding Woman Tacks evasion

A police officer stops Moira Wilde for speeding and asks her, most politely, if he can see her licence.

Moira replies in a huff, 'I wish you people would get your act together. Only yesterday you took away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you.'

Old Police Joke - Serial Offender

Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime at the Gateway local convenience store in Fareham, England. One asks the manager, Roger Cook, what happened.

Roger replies stolidly, 'There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and, I'm afraid that he's dead.'

'That's odd,' frowned the first police detective, 'didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday and another covered in Weetabix last week?'

'You're right,' agreed the second detective, 'This is obviously the work of a cereal killer.'

The Reckless Driver: A Puny Tale

Driving to work last week, Nicholas had to swerve quite violently to avoid a box that fell out of a lorry in front of him. Tacks evasion

Moments after, a policeman pulled him over and accused him of reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had also seen the container in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

'I'm sorry sir,' the first traffic cop told Nicholas, 'but I am going to have to write you a ticket.'

Amazed, Nicholas asked for what.

The policeman retorted, 'Tacks evasion.'

Police Ponder Meaning of Sign

New proposed helicopter to catch speeding motorists

Police Understanding - A Funny Short Story

...(videVfl2)

A policeman stops Mavis just outside the city of Exeter, England, and asks to see her driving licence.   He says rather peremptorily, 'Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses.'

Mavis promptly answers sweetly, 'Well, I have contacts.'

The policeman replies gruffly, 'I don't care who you know, my dear. You're still getting a ticket.'

Chihuahua Becomes Japanese Police Dog Chihuahua Police Dog

A long-haired Chihuahua named "Momo" has passed exams to become a police dog in Japan.

A long-haired Chihuahua named Momo [Japanese for Peach)]goes through an examination to become a police dog in Yamatokoriyama, western Japan. The brown-and-white Momo was one of 32 successful candidates out of 70 dogs, passing a search and rescue test by finding a person in five minutes after merely sniffing their cap Will and Guy have learned.

'Any breed of dog can be entered to become a police dog in the search and rescue division,' a police spokesman from the western Japanese prefecture of Nara told us.

Also he admitted that news a Chihuahua had been entered may still come as a surprise to many. 'It's quite unusual,' he said.

Momo will be used for rescue operations in case of disasters such as earthquakes, in the hope that she may be able to squeeze her tiny frame into places too narrow for more usual rescue dogs, which tend to be German Shepherds.

New Police Interrogation Technique

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up.

When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot,' the man shouted, 'That's not what I said!'

New Police Lie Detector

Finding a bad manFinding a bad man

Suspect Gives Police The Run-around

Police in Oakland, California, USA, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out and give himself up.

Problem, Madam? We Got Here As Fast As We Could.

Police Get Skates On

Police Rescue and Arrest Suspect - A Silly Story To Laugh At New proposed helicopter to catch speeding motorists

A man suspected of stealing a laptop computer finds himself stranded on a window ledge as he attempts to flee the police.

This photo captures the man as he inches along on the fourth floor where he eventually smashes a window and sits on the ledge without moving as he waits to be arrested.

See Will and Guy's other bungling burglars:

10 Funny and Humorous Comments Made By Arresting Constables, Allegedly New proposed helicopter to catch speeding motorists

  1. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog.
  2. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
  3. Life's tough, but it's tougher if you're stupid.
  4. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
  5. Just how big were those two beers?
  6. The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
  7. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
  8. So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, eh?
  9. Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
  10. In God we trust, all others are suspects.
    This one almost made our top ten: Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.

Novel Police CarNovel Police Car

Designer Police Constable Keith Waller admits his mean machine is unlikely to catch many villains other than 'those with Zimmer* frames'. However, he insists the five-gear, 20mph (32kph) go-kart has helped drive down anti-social behaviour on his beat in Ringwood, Hampshire, England.

PC Waller recruited teenagers to help him build the £1,000 GBP [$1500 USD] Car, which will race in the British Pedal Car Grand Prix in Ringwood on 11th July 2010.

Will and Guy have learned, 'Getting youngsters involved gives them something to focus on at lunch and after school so they are not out there committing anti-social behaviour,' said PC Waller. 'I have been able to reach out to the students and make the police more approachable. It makes me look cooler, we all have fun and the children can come and talk to me.'

The battery-assisted car features full Hampshire Constabulary livery, a siren and a roll bar to protect the driver in the, fairly unlikely, event of a crash. The pedal car grand prix is a two-hour endurance race around a track. 'I'm looking forward to it but do not expect to win: I'm no Lewis Hamilton,' said PC Waller.

*Zimmer frame = walking aid for the elderly or disabled.

New Proposed Helicopter to Catch Speeding Motorists

New proposed helicopter to catch speeding motorists

 

See more on funny police speeding pictures

 

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