Jewish Wedding Jokes

Jewish Nuptuals - The Celebration and the Humour

A Jewish wedding is one of the cornerstones of the Jewish life cycle and as with all religions, is a great cause for celebration, and a source of humour.

Ten Clean, Funny Best Man Jokes

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Jewish Wedding Jokes

A Jewish God

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

'So what are your plans?' the father asks the young man.
'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.

'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'

'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?' asks the father.

'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replies, 'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asks the father. 'How will you support children?'

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?'
The father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God.'

Gratitude

A Jewish mother is walking with her small son along the shore, enjoying the sounds and smells of the ocean. Suddenly, without warning, a huge wave comes in and washes the boy out to sea. The woman screams, but no one is nearby, and she can't swim. She sees her son's head bobbing up and down as he cries for help and moves farther and farther from shore.

Desperate, she sinks to her knees in the sand. Pleading with God for mercy, she swears she will devote herself to good causes and be faithful in attending synagogue if God will spare her only child.

Suddenly another huge wave crashes in, and deposits her son, wet but unhurt on the sand. She lifts her face to the heavens, extends both arms and cries...
'My boy had a HAT!'

The Oldest Religion?

'The Jewish people have observed their 5773rd year as a people,' the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4710th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, 'Well for one thing, acording to my calculation the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years.'

What's the Man Made of?

The lights suddenly fail in Sheldon and Miriam's Tottenham flat. They hear the sound of glass breaking - there are looters in the street below.

"Sheldon, there's a mink coat in the window of Goldberg's - do you think we might...?"

"I don't like it Miriam, But you've been a good wife and I know how you've always yearned for mink, and I've never been a rich man. OK, just this once. Who's to know?"

So they go to Goldberg's, Sheldon throws a brick through the window, and Miriam gets her fur. As they turn to go, Miriam spots a 42" flat-screen TV in the window of Keitzner's Electricals,. "Oh, Sheldon. look ...?" In goes another brick, out comes the TV.

As they go home, they pass a jeweller. "Sheldon, look at that beautiful necklace! One more little thing won't make any difference."

"Oh for God's sake, woman! Do you think I'm made of bricks?"

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Interesting Jewish Wedding Traditions

Jewish weddings are filled with tradition, ritual, and beauty; and not all Jewish weddings are alike. Depending upon the background of the participants, service may vary. Younger Jews are increasingly adding their own "flavour" to their ceremonies.

Will and Guy aim here to give you a generalised picture of the occasion.
Basic Jewish Wedding Traditions:Jewish Weddings

  1. The chupah. The wedding ceremony takes place under the chupah, which is a canopy on four poles that is sometimes decorated. The chupah symbolizes that the bride and groom are creating a home together and that it will always be open to guests.

    This tradition originates from the Biblical wedding of Abraham and Sarah.
  2. The procession. Here's one big difference between Christian and Jewish weddings: both the bride and the groom walk down the aisle accompanied by both parents. Traditionally, the rabbi walks out first, followed by the groom and his parents, the grandparents, the groomsmen, the bridesmaids, the flower girl and ring bearer, and the bride and her parents.  Jewish Weddings and Hanukkah Jokes
  3. The wedding ceremony under the chupah. Traditional Jewish wedding ceremonies have two parts. During the first part, the bride and groom become betrothed and a blessing is recited over a cup of wine that the bride and groom drink.
    Traditionally, the groom puts a ring on the bride at this point, although this has become mutual at many modern weddings.
    Later, the Sheva Brachot, or seven blessings, are recited over another glass of wine. Relatives and close friends are sometimes asked to recite this blessing to honour them.
  4. The ketubah. The ketubah is a Jewish wedding contract. The rabbi reads it under the chupah after the ring ceremony.
    Many couples frame their ketubah and display it in their home. Traditionally, the ketubah was written in Aramaic, but today many Jews use Hebrew instead.
  5. The breaking of the glass. At the conclusion of the ceremony, the groom (and in some modern ceremonies, the bride as well) smashes a glass with his foot. (In Israeli weddings, the glass is broken after the ketubah reading)
    The meaning of this act is disputed. One interpretation is that the marriage will last as long as the glass is broken: forever. Another interpretation is that people need to remember those who are suffering even in their greatest moments of joy, and to remember the destruction of the second temple. After the breaking of the glass, the guests shout, "Mazel Tov!"" which means good luck.
  6. The Kabbalat Panim and the Badeken. Weddings that are more traditional include these two ceremonies before the procession to the chupah. The bride and groom each have their own Kabbalat Panim receptions in separate rooms where attendants wish them well.
    Afterwards, in the Badeken ceremony, the groom veils the bride, which symbolizes that he loves her for more than just her outer beauty. 

 

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 See also Greek wedding traditions ยป

Footnotes:
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