A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father
invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
'So what are your plans?'
the father asks the young man. 'I am a Torah scholar,' he replies.
'A Torah scholar. Hmmm,' the father says. 'admirable, but what will you do
to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?'
'I will study,' the young man replies, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?' asks the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the
young man replies, 'God will provide for us.' 'And children?' asks the
father. 'How will you support children?'
"Don't worry, sir, God will
provide," replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and
each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will
Later, the mother asks, 'How did it go, darling?' The
father answers, 'He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks
A Jewish mother is walking with her small son along the shore, enjoying
the sounds and smells of the ocean. Suddenly, without warning, a huge wave
comes in and washes the boy out to sea. The woman screams, but no one is
nearby, and she can't swim. She sees her son's head bobbing up and down as
he cries for help and moves farther and farther from shore.
she sinks to her knees in the sand. Pleading with God for mercy, she swears
she will devote herself to good causes and be faithful in attending
synagogue if God will spare her only child.
Suddenly another huge wave
crashes in, and deposits her son, wet but unhurt on the sand. She lifts her
face to the heavens, extends both arms and cries... 'My boy had a HAT!'
The Oldest Religion?
'The Jewish people have observed their 5773rd year as a people,' the
Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed
only their 4710th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, 'Well for one thing,
acording to my calculation the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years.'
What's the Man Made of?
The lights suddenly fail in Sheldon and Miriam's Tottenham flat. They
hear the sound of glass breaking - there are looters in the street below.
"Sheldon, there's a mink coat in the window of Goldberg's - do you think
"I don't like it Miriam, But you've been a good wife and
I know how you've always yearned for mink, and I've never been a rich man.
OK, just this once. Who's to know?"
So they go to Goldberg's, Sheldon
throws a brick through the window, and Miriam gets her fur. As they turn to
go, Miriam spots a 42" flat-screen TV in the window of Keitzner's
Electricals,. "Oh, Sheldon. look ...?" In goes another brick, out comes the
As they go home, they pass a jeweller. "Sheldon, look at that
beautiful necklace! One more little thing won't make any difference."
"Oh for God's sake, woman! Do you think I'm made of bricks?"
The Wedding MC Joke Book
How even a nervous, first-time Wedding MC with no comedy experience can
entertain and dazzle the wedding guests with 101 funny, clean, and
'field-tested' wedding jokes.
Jewish weddings are filled with tradition, ritual, and beauty; and not all
Jewish weddings are alike. Depending upon the background of the
participants, service may vary. Younger Jews are increasingly adding their
own "flavour" to their ceremonies.
Will and Guy aim here to give you a generalised picture of the occasion.
Basic Jewish Wedding Traditions:
The chupah. The wedding ceremony takes place under the chupah, which
is a canopy on four poles that is sometimes decorated. The chupah
symbolizes that the bride and groom are creating a home together and
that it will always be open to guests.
This tradition originates
from the Biblical wedding of Abraham and Sarah.
The procession. Here's one big difference between Christian
and Jewish weddings: both the bride and the groom walk down the aisle
accompanied by both parents. Traditionally, the rabbi walks out first,
followed by the groom and his parents, the grandparents, the groomsmen,
the bridesmaids, the flower girl and ring bearer, and the bride and her
The wedding ceremony under the chupah. Traditional Jewish wedding
ceremonies have two parts. During the first part, the bride and groom
become betrothed and a blessing is recited over a cup of wine that the
bride and groom drink. Traditionally, the groom puts a ring on the
bride at this point, although this has become mutual at many modern
weddings. Later, the Sheva Brachot, or seven blessings, are recited
over another glass of wine. Relatives and close friends are sometimes
asked to recite this blessing to honour them.
The ketubah. The ketubah is a Jewish wedding contract. The rabbi
reads it under the chupah after the ring ceremony. Many couples
frame their ketubah and display it in their home. Traditionally, the
ketubah was written in Aramaic, but today many Jews use Hebrew instead.
The breaking of the glass. At the conclusion of the ceremony, the
groom (and in some modern ceremonies, the bride as well) smashes a glass
with his foot. (In Israeli weddings, the glass is broken after the
ketubah reading) The meaning of this act is disputed. One
interpretation is that the marriage will last as long as the glass is
broken: forever. Another interpretation is that people need to remember
those who are suffering even in their greatest moments of joy, and to
remember the destruction of the second temple. After the breaking of the
glass, the guests shout, "Mazel Tov!"" which means good luck.
The Kabbalat Panim and the Badeken. Weddings that are more
traditional include these two ceremonies before the procession to the
chupah. The bride and groom each have their own Kabbalat Panim
receptions in separate rooms where attendants wish them well.
Afterwards, in the Badeken ceremony, the groom veils the bride, which
symbolizes that he loves her for more than just her outer beauty.