Groom Wedding Speech Jokes

Bridegroom Wedding Speech Jokes Groom Wedding Speech Jokes

Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you.  They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. - Anonymous

Ten Clean, Funny Groom Jokes for a Wedding Speech

  1. The Logic of Marriage - A Child's View
  2. How To Avoid Marriage
  3. The Promise of Marriage
  4. Is Romance Dead?
  5. How To Celebrate Marriage
  6. How To Make A Marriage Successful
  7. A Question Of Marriage Guidance
  8. Ask for Help
  9. Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story
  10. The Seven Ages of the Married Cold
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Clean Jokes to Work Into Your Groom Wedding Speech

You can write the speech yourself, alternatively, you can get a book of wedding speeches and then modify one.  However, if you want to make a really funny groom's speech, then it must come from your heart.

1. The Logic of Marriage - A Child's View

Jack, a very young lad aged 4 years, says to his father, 'Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.'

His father explains, 'For that Jack, you have to have a boy and a girl.'
So Jack answers, 'I've already found a girl.'

'Who?' splutters his Dad.
'Grandma,' continues Jack happily.

'Now, let me get this straight,' his father says.
'You want to marry my mother? ................. You can't do that.'

'I don't see why not?' Jack responds, 'You married mine!'

Three Short Jokes For the Nuptials

Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree, and the woman gets her master's.

My opinions are my wife's, and she says that I'm lucky to have them.

2. How To Avoid MarriageGroom Wedding Speech Jokes

'Darling,' says Barry to his wife, Sarah, 'I invited a friend home for supper.'

'What? Are you crazy?' Sarah splutters, 'The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't much feel like cooking a fancy meal.'

'I know all that,' murmurs Barry.

'Then why did you invite a friend for supper?' explodes Sarah.

'Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married,' concludes Barry.

How To Be a Fun Wedding MC

More Clean Groom Jokes for a Wedding Speech

3. The Promise of Marriage

Molly and Peter have been married for almost 48 years and have raised a brood of 12 children and are blessed with 23 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, Molly replies, 'Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids.'

4. How To Celebrate MarriageGroom Wedding Jokes

While enjoying a lunchtime pint in a Newcastle pub in the Scotswood Road, four elderly Geordies* were discussing everything from football, the economy, to the weather, to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their wives. One bloke turned to the guy on his right and asked, 'Eh, Alan, aren't you and your lass celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?'

'Sure, man, we are,' Alan replied.

'Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate, man?' another bloke asked.

Alan pondered this for a moment, then replied, 'For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Hazel to Sunderland. Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her back.'

*Geordie - is a regional nickname for a person from the Tyneside [NE] region of England, or the name of the dialect of English spoken by these people.

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5. Is Romance Dead?

Brian had asked Dave to help him out with cutting his rather large garden hedge after work, so Dave went straight over to Brian's home. When they got to the front door, Brian went straight up to his wife, gave her a big hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her excellent cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were cutting the privet, Dave told Brian that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Brian said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Dave thought he'd give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Dave was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, 'This is the worst day of my life. First, little Nigel fell off his bike and twisted his ankle.  Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!'


Do practice your groom speech until you can recite it naturally and without hesitation.  To gain extra confidence find out precisely at what point during the reception you should give the speech.  Usually, it's after the father-of-the-bride's speech.

6. How To Make A Marriage SuccessfulFunny Groom Jokes

'The thrill, the excitement is gone from my marriage,' George complains to his mate, Tony.

'Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?' suggests Tony naughtily.

'But what if my wife finds out?' frowns George.

'Lummee, George,' explains Tony, 'this is the 21st century we live in, mate. Go ahead and tell her about it.'

So George returns home and says, 'Poppet, I think an affair will bring us closer together.'

'Forget it,' replies his wife. 'I've tried that - it didn't work.'

7. A Question Of Marriage Guidance

Vicky, young single lady visits the local dating agency and explains, 'I'm looking for a husband.  Can you please help me to find a suitable one?'

The dating receptionist needs to find out some details so she asks, ' What are your requirements, please?'

'Well, let me see.' Vicky says, 'He needs to be fine looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hours, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.'

The receptionist listens politely and carefully and responds, 'I understand. You need a television.'

How To Be a Fun Wedding MC

More Jokes for a Bridegroom Speech

8. Never Be Afraid to Ask for Help

What more can Will and Guy say!  If all else fails, asking for help will get you a laugh and buy you time.

Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - said Oscar Levant, to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancée.

9. Rehearse The Church Service: A True Story

At a wedding ceremony at which Father Brian Hamilton was officiating, he was seen to raise his hand in order to give the final blessing at the end of the service.

Louise, the bride, totally misunderstood this gesture and surprised the vicar with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude Mark, the groom, Father Brian also offered him a high-five.

Father Brian was eventually able to give the blessing, this time with the laughter of the guests ringing in his ears. 

See our British Royal Wedding jokes.

10. The Seven Ages of the Married ColdGroom Wedding Speech Jokes

1st year - The husband says, 'Oh, darling, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the private hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is good there, and I've already spoken to the Matron and the Hospital chef and I've paid the bill.

2nd year - 'Listen, sweetie, I don't like the sound of that cough. I've 'phoned the doctor and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go to bed and get the rest you need? I'll bring you something to eat when you're hungry.'

3rd year - 'Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something ; do we have any canned soup around here anywhere?'

4th year - 'No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go straight to bed yourself.'

5th year - 'Why don't you take a couple aspirin?'

6th year - 'You ought to gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog.'

7th year - 'For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia?  You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the supermarket.'

No.10 above, was kindly sent by Solly, a regular reader, who also enjoys our Joke of the Day.

Please send us your funny groom wedding speech jokes.

More Clean Wedding Speech Jokes

Thanks to readers' letters Will and Guy have collated more MC wedding jokes, which are suitable for telling at the stag night, or the reception itself.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?'

She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)

Wedding Hymn Sheet

The Minister noticed the bride was in distress so asked what was wrong. She replied that she was awfully nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The Minister told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

  • First the aisle, cos that is what you'll be walking down.
  • Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.
  • Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. 

While the bride was walking in step with the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words...

... Aisle, alter hymn (I'll alter him)

Newlywed Conversation

"Dear, don't expect the first few meals to be great.
It takes time to find the right restaurant."

Devil or Angel?Funny Wedding Speech Jokes

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still!  If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

A Five Year Old Child's Funny View Of Weddings

Hilary, a grandmother, overhears her 5-year-old granddaughter, Mo, playing "weddings."

As the little girl, Mo, marches the bride down the aisle, the wedding vows went something like this: 'You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.'

Five Funny Wedding ShortsWedding Speech Jokes

  1. Nicky: I'm a man of few words.
    Mike: I'm married, too.
  2. The five essential words for a good marriage: 'I apologize' and 'You are right.'
  3. A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping circulation.
  4. If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
  5. My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

A Brief Guide to the Etiquette and Tradition of Wedding Day Speeches

Here is the traditional order of wedding speeches:

The father of the bride.  A good way to start is to welcome all the guests.  He then usually talks fondly about his daughter.  As with most speeches, it is accepted that a mixture of affectionate anecdote and humour generally works well.  He then toasts the bride and groom.

The groom speaks next and replies on behalf of himself and his wife [in these modern times it should be remembered that more and more brides are making their own speeches*]. He aims to thank those people involved in helping them both in the planning of the wedding and distributes gifts to those who are to receive more than a verbal "thank you."  The groom then may talk about his new wife before proposing a toast to the bridesmaids.

My wife - and I love saying that! - would not be the person she is without the love and support of her parents.  And I want to thank them for welcoming me into their family.  As my new mother-in-law said, she is not losing a daughter but gaining a washer-upper!

*If the bride is to make a speech it should take place following the groom's. It may seem obvious, but joint speeches should be co-ordinated well beforehand since both will probably wish to say much the same thing.

The best man's speech now follows. He thanks the bride and bridegroom on behalf of the bridesmaids and himself for asking them to be part of their special day and for the gifts they have received and then he reads out telegrams, cards, e-mails or other messages from friends and relatives who couldn't be at the wedding. He will then go on to talk about the groom in what can be the highlight, or in some cases lowlight, of the wedding speeches. Humour and anecdote abound.  Finally the best man should then propose a toast to the parents of the bride and bridegroom.

Will and Guy say that if you are looking for help in preparing your speech then please spend some time reading our carefully prepared pages.  If you have any good groom wedding speech jokes, then please send them to us.  A modern trend is for the maid-of honor to make a speech.

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