Will and Guy's Biology, Physics and Chemistry Humour
Science often seems mysterious, and thus is a fruitful ground for
humour. Guy is a qualified science teacher, and Will taught history
and social science. Thus we have an insight into this area of humour.
'Chemists are a strange class of mortals, impelled by an almost
maniacal impulse to seek their pleasures amongst smoke and vapour, soot
and flames, poisons and poverty, yet amongst all these evils I seem to
live so sweetly that I would rather die than change places with the
King of Persia.'
Johann Joachim Becher, "Physica subterranea" (1667)
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood
is affirmative or negative.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth,
only it is even deader.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's
a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of
the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around
Earth through Africa.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
The skeleton is what is left after the
insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The
purpose of the skeleton is so that there is something to hitch the meat
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain. The borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which
there are five - A, E, I, O, and U.
While living on Earth might be expensive, at least we get a free trip
around the Sun every year.
Will and Guy think that Copernicus' parents said the following to him
at the age of twelve, 'Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come
to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you.'
Five, Fascinating and Fun Astronomical Facts
The Sun is 4.5 billion years old and produces 383 billion trillion
kilowatts of energy.
The Moon is the only non-Earth object upon which a man has walked.
Depending upon how hot the white dwarf star is, its colour varies from
blue, white, yellow, or red.
According to scientists, in around 5 billion years, a day on Earth will
be 48 hours long and somewhere during that time the Sun will explode.
The lightning in the sky is nearly 3 times hotter than the Sun.
Student Writes Home
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and
$tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything
I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love
to hear from you. Love, Your $on.
Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are
eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. Do NOt forget that the
pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Einstein's Favourite Limerick
There was an old lady called Whyte who could travel much faster than
light. She departed one day in a relative way and returned on
the previous night.
Ten Little Known Facts About Relativity
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world
is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling
The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to
The speed of time is one second per second, which is also
called the fundamental unity.
Death and taxes are the same for all
constantly moving observers.
Moving midgets are shortened.
Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an
Laws of Funny Feline Physics
Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless
acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a
nearby scurrying mouse.
Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is
a really good reason to change direction.
Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat
hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body,
except in case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to
the length of the nap just taken.
Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible,
in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable
for the cat, as possible.
Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach any
counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction: A cat must lie on the floor in a position to
obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate,
until he gets good and ready to stop.
Chemistry: Humour, Funny Jokes and Stories
You may be a chemist if
you can't stand the expression: 'A watched pot never boils'.
be 'A watched pot and an unwatched pot boil at EXACTLY the same rate.'
I was looking for sodium on the periodic table, but then it
told me it was Na (Not Available!!)
What does this sodium sodium gibberish mean. Think of the batman
signature tune: Na na na na na na na!
Salty Water Question
Question: If you pour a handful of salt into a full glass of water does
the water level go down, or does the glass overflow?
If you start with pure water, and add a small amount of salt then the
level will go down slightly, there will be no overflow. This is the
There is space between water molecules. When you pour the salt slowly,
this fills up the space between the molecules. Salt (NaCl) readily
dissolves in water producing Na+ and Cl- ions. Na+ goes to the negative
end of H20 molecule and CL- goes to the positive end of H2O molecule.
In this way the force of attraction decreases the total volume of the
salt solution. This effect only continues until no more salt can
dissolve in the water.
Guy's Handy Guide to Ph.D. Research
Working on your Ph.D.? You might see it as a monumental task, but don't
sweat it. Make the process easier by using these 10 trusty techniqes:
Experience is directly proportional to the quantity of equipment
ruined or destroyed.
Past experience is always correct, and should never be misled by
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Don't believe in miracles - rely on them.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
No matter what result is anticipated, someone will always fit the
facts to it.
The probability of an event occurring is inversely proportional to
The quantity which when added to, subtracted from, divided into,
or multiplied by the results obtained experimentally to give the
correct result, is known as a constant.
Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail in the same
For neatness, always draw the curves first and afterward plot the
The Chemistry Final Exam
In 2013 there were two young men called Tony and Peter who were reading
Chemistry at Jesus College Oxford, England and who did pretty well on all
of the midterm exams.
These Tony and Peter were so confident that the weekend before finals
they decided to go up to London and party with some friends up there. So
they did this and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day
Sunday and didn't make it back until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final exam then, they found the professor and
explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went
up to London for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to
study, but that they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare
and couldn't get help for a long time. The professor thought this over and
then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The
Peter and Tony were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that
the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed
each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about
molarity and solutions and was worth 5 marks. 'Great, 'they thought,
'this is going to be easy.'
They completed that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It
said: For 95 marks: "Which tyre was flat?"
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for
years: chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the
current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer
introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the
HTFDR: "head-to-floor distance reduction."
After about an hour, the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm,
said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered
the magic words: 'And in conclusion . . .'