Funny Medical Quotes

Funny Medical QuotesWill and Guy's Best Selection Medical Quotes

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck

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Funny Medical Quotes

It is amazing what the medical profession will write. These are actual statements taken from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a consultant or two at major hospitals.

  • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the paediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
  • I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
  • Examination of the genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
  • While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • The skin was moist and dry.
  • The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
  • Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  • Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

Funny Medical AdviceFunny Medical Quotes

Keep Taking the Medicine
Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did - the bottle said 'keep tightly closed.'

Quick Diagnosis
Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step.  What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Eating Disorder
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's strange eating habits. 'All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?'

'Eventually,' said the Doctor, 'she will rise and shine.'

Timing
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
Ronnie Shakes

Who Can You Trust?
If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors.  
Jadelr and Cristina Cordova

#

The Specialist

'What kind of work do you do?' a woman passenger enquired of the man travelling in her train compartment.

'I'm a Naval surgeon,' he replies.

'My word!' spluttered the woman, 'How you doctors specialise these days.'

Funny Medical Quotes by Hospital SpecialistsFunny Medical Terms

A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.  This was what they said:

  • The Allergists voted to scratch it.
  • The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
  • The Psychiatrists thought it was madness.
  • The Radiologists could see right through it.
  • The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it.
  • The Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
  • The Obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.
  • The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
  • The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body."
  • The Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"
  • The Plastic Surgeon said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
  • The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
  • The Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
  • The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
  • The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
  • The Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.  Alice James

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An Alternative Medical Dictionary: Kindly Submitted by Nigel Morris

  • Artery - The study of paintings.
  • Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
  • Cauterize - Made eye contact with her.
  • Colic - A sheep dog.
  • Dilate - To live long.
  • Enema - Not a friend.
  • Fibula  - A small lie.
  • Morbid - A higher offer.
  • Post-Operative - Letter carrier.
  • See more funny medical terms

Taxi to the Hospital

A woman flagged down a cab.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked.
"The hospital," the woman answered.

"Where at the hospital?" the cabbie asked.
"Maternity ward." the woman answered.

A determined look crossed the cabbie's face. "Okay, I'll get you there. Don't you worry!" He then floored it and started weaving past cars.

"No no, you don't need to drive so fast," the woman said. "I only work there!"

Footnote:
See more funny doctor jokes

...(videVfl2)

Beware If Your Doctor Uses These Medical Phrases

  1. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  2. Better save that.  We'll need it for the autopsy.
  3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
  5. ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
  6. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  7. Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint.  However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack.
  8. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!  See a real Patient Participation Group.

Health Check
The great secret of doctors, known only to their wives, but still hidden from the public, is that most things get better by themselves; most things, in fact, are better in the morning.

Ten Famous Medical Quotes Famous Medical Quotes

  1. My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays. - Joey Bishop
  2. After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'. - Larry Brown.
  3. She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon. - Groucho Marx.
  4. I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately.  Ring the nearest golf course. - Groucho Marx
  5. The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure. - Voltaire
  6. A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek.  He gave her a lobotomy. - Joan Rivers
  7. Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. - Jerry Vale
  8. Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn
  9. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. - Erma Bombeck
  10. I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is? - Paul Merton

Doctors and Quacks
In Britain today, there are about 50,000 practitioners of alternative medicine, but only about 30,000 qualified doctors.

The Five Best, Clean and Hilarious Conversations Overheard in HospitalDoctors funny problem

  1. Doctor : Are you on HRT?
    Patient : No, income support.
  2. Overheard in Sunnyside Clinic, Fratton, as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client, 'No Mrs Jones, not the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE.'
  3. A consultant at St Mary's Hospital, Portsmouth, England tells me that while passing through a frantic ENT [Ear, Nose and Throat] clinic, he overheard this curious bit of conversation:

    Senior surgeon (angrily) : 'For goodness sake, nurse, get me my auriscope.' [a medical device which is used to look into the ears].

    Distracted young nurse : 'But doctor, I don't even know your star sign.'
  4. A former radiologist from Northern Ireland working at the Royal Belfast hospital tells that years ago, kitted up in leaden apron and gloves, he was conducting a radiographic examination of a woman's abdomen.

    Finding that her clothing was causing some opacity on the fluorescent screen, he remarked, 'Would you pull down your knickers, please?'

    The patient did nothing so he repeated the request.  He then heard her say, 'I'm so sorry, doctor.  I thought you were talking to the nurse.'
  5. While I was waiting to see the orthodontist at Queen Alexandra Hospital, a woman came out of his surgery smiling. Nodding to me, she said, 'Thank goodness my work is completed. I'm so relieved to have found a painless dentist and one who's so gentle and understanding too.'  When seated in the dentist's chair, I related the incident to him.  He laughed heartily and explained, 'Oh, that was just my Mother.' 
...(v3r)

Funny Medical Quotes From The Medical Council of Canada Entry Exam

  • Federal Food and Drugs Act :
    Their aim is to promote purity and prevent adultery.
  • Venereal Disease Control:
    Sexual intercourse is a common practice among all people.  Prostitutes should be registered and made civil servants.
  • Rheumatic Fever:
    It is much more common in the temporal zone."
  • Carbon Monoxide Poisoning:
    If the amount breathed is not lethal, the patient has many of the symptoms of severe enema.  He is usually flushed and has...
  • Control of Bovine Tuberculosis:
    All cows should have a patch test done.

 

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