Funny Husband Jokes

Funny Husband JokesFunny Husband Stories and Jokes

Here is a subject that Will and Guy really understand: husband jokes.

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job
- Simone De Beauvoir.

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HUSBANDS FOR SALE!Funny Husband Story

A chain of stores that sells husbands has just opened in a town near you.  The idea is that a single woman may visit the store an choose her husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ...  You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a spouse.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 5,3018 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[Footnote: This funny husband joke was kindly sent by Isi]

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Husband Files Missing Person Report

Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.

Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.

Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.

Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.

Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2015 plate.  Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....

Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.

Assorted Husband JokesFunny Husband Jokes

Wife's Birthday
'Today is my wife's birthday,' announces Archie to his mate, Bert.

'What are you getting for her?' enquires Bert.

'Make me an offer!' responds Archie with a grin.

Husband Insurance Policy 1
Hooligans had set fire to a farmer's haystack which then spread to his barn.

While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000 USD] the amount of insurance on the barn.

'We don't give you the money,' a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.' 

'In that case,' replied the wife, 'cancel the policy I have on my husband.'

Husband Insurance Policy 2Funny Husband Jokes
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade, Mrs Warren, a housewife, to buy a life insurance policy.

'Just imagine,' he pronounced, 'if your husband was to die tomorrow, what would you get?'

'Oh, a Yorkshire terrier dog, I think,' responded Mrs Warren brightly, 'they're so well-behaved.'

Beauty and the Beast
Mrs Brown: Don't you think that man over there is the ugliest person you've ever seen?

Mrs Parr: That's my husband.
Mrs Brown: Oh dear, I'm so sorry.

Mrs Parr: You're sorry ...........!

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Three Clueless HusbandsFunny Marriage Stories

  1. I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time.' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
  2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 6.4 seconds.'
    I bought her a weighing scales.
  3. A woman was looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's absolutely perfect.'

Lucky Escape?

A husband took his wife to a disco.  There was a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turned to her husband and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband said: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

A Pack of Playing Cards?

They say that marriage is like a deck of cards, you start out with two hearts and a diamond, and end up with a club and a spade.

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Funny HusbandFunny Husband Jokes

'Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.'

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Tombstone

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah. I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest! His headstone reads:

Five Rules For Men To Follow For A Happy Life:

  1.  It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
  2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
  3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
  4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
  5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Footnote:
Please send us your funny husband jokes.  For example:

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.

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