Funny Husband Jokes
Here is a subject that Will and Guy really understand: husband jokes.
To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job
A chain of stores that sells husbands has just opened in a town near you. The idea is that a single woman may visit the store an choose her husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a spouse.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
Floor 4 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 5,3018 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
[Footnote: This funny husband joke was kindly sent by Isi]
Gilbert Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife, this is a true transcript of his conversation with the police officer.
Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.
Officer: How tall is she?
Officer: Slim or healthy?
Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Officer: Colour of her hair?
Officer: What was she wearing?
Officer: Was she driving?
Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . .
Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.
'What are you getting for her?' enquires Bert.
'Make me an offer!' responds Archie with a grin.
Husband Insurance Policy 1
While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife 'phoned their insurance company and asked them to send a check for £30,000, [$60,000 USD] the amount of insurance on the barn.
'We don't give you the money,' a company official explained. We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.'
'In that case,' replied the wife, 'cancel the policy I have on my husband.'
'Just imagine,' he pronounced, 'if your husband was to die tomorrow, what would you get?'
'Oh, a Yorkshire terrier dog, I think,' responded Mrs Warren brightly, 'they're so well-behaved.'
Beauty and the Beast
Mrs Parr: That's my husband.
Mrs Parr: You're sorry ...........!
A husband took his wife to a disco. There was a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turned to her husband and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband said: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
A Pack of Playing Cards?
They say that marriage is like a deck of cards, you start out with two hearts and a diamond, and end up with a club and a spade.
'Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.'
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, email, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah. I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest! His headstone reads:
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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