Funny English Jokes
Only in England do supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Replacement Windows - A Funny English Joke
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
A True English Rose - Funny English Yarn
There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were named Emily, Maggie and Rose.
After approximately 14 hours, Emily staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, Maggie crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, Rose finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, 'I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.' See our Olympics jokes.
How even a nervous, first-time
Funny English Jokes from Yorkshire
Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called "at home,"' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the other person was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old!
How many of these do you remember?
Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
Don't forget to test your really OLD friends....
Results of Quiz
What's amazing is that although Will scored 14, and Guy 13, neither of us can remember who won last year's world series, or the 2008 cup final.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
The New Zookeeper
Peter starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, Peter beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, Peter is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, Peter says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
Peter moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, 'What's the food like here?'
The lion replies, 'Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
The British Abroad
Roland, an Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip.
While there, Roland hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since Roland was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage.
Together they were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and announced, 'Mira el mosca.'
The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity to teach Roland, replied, 'No, senor, "la mosca"... es feminina.'
Roland looked at him in amazement, then back at the fly, and then said, 'Good heavens..... you must have incredibly good eyesight.'
Devyani; Hey, I wanted to confirm one of my answers. Can you help
Devyani: Well, we were supposed to add a suitable preposition in the blank. The question was, 'Bear ____ me for a while.'
Naturally, the answer was "Bear with me for a while." This means that the speaker requests the person to be patient for a while.
Devyani, however, changed the meaning completely with her answer by writing: "Bear chased me for a while."
On the London Underground
Two old men, Dick and Norton were sitting next to each other on the London subway [tube]. Their hearing isn't good.
Dick mutters, 'Is this Wembley?'
'No,' says Norton, 'It's Thursday.'
Dick answers, 'OK then, let's find a pub and have a drink.'
The British At School
One day, Mrs Arnold, a teacher at Green Barn Infant School, Norwich, England, was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds.
Firstly she held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, 'Sammy, what is this animal?'
Sammy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, 'I'm sorry Mrs Arnold, I don't know.'
Mrs Arnold was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Sammy, 'Well, Sammy, what does your Mummy call your Daddy?'
Sammy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look spread slowly, and he asked, 'Mrs Arnold, is that really a pig?'
What did Anne Boleyn's mother say when her daughter said that she had fallen in love with Henry the VIII and was going to marry him?
That man's not worth losing your head over.
The British at University
A famous scientist, Arnold Nijmegen, was on his way to a lecture in yet another university, this one in Aberdeen, Scotland, when his chauffeur offered an idea.
'Tell you what, sir, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off.'
'Sounds great,' the Nijmegen responded.
When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions.
'Yes,' said one professor. Then he launched into a highly technical question. The chauffeur, panic stricken for a moment, quickly recovered. 'Ah, professor now that's an easy one,' he replied, 'in fact, it's so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it.'
More Funny English Jokes - Speak Essex
Will and Guy have created this guide for those of you who will venture into the English county known as Essex, where they have a language all of their own. This Essex is in the UK, not far from London, and the accent is not unlike cockney, but without the rhyming slang.
We recommend that you speak each phrase or word out loud before reading the translation which we have supplied:
alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item: how much is it?
amant - Quantity; sum total ('Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend'): amount
assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness or disability: housebound
awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ('That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day'): horse
branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ('Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, 'ave you been on sunbed?'): browner
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger: quarter pounder
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ('Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff'): down in the mouth
eye-eels - Women's shoes: heels
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre: Thurrock
garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: 'Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper'): garage
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island: Ibiza
lafarjik - Lacking in energy ('I feel all lafarjik'): lethargic
OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs: hello
paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport: newspaper
reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ('I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig'): rebound
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday: Southend
tan - The city of London, the big smoke: town
webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ('Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour'): whereabouts
wonnid - Desired, needed or Wanted by the police: wanted
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ('I told ya a fazzand times already'): exaggerate
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let M*crosoft know on your behalf. The M*crosoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen! See also the Queen's Diamond Jubilee
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