Will and Guy's Collection of Funny Australian Jokes
Australian humour reflects the rugged nature of the country, especially the
hinterland away from the coast. One of Australia's strongest comic
images of the 'ocker', with his cork hat, as epitomised by Bazza McKenzie.
Will and Guy have decided to include Aussie humour to balance our other
funny pages which laugh at the
Irish, Scottish, Welsh, as well as English and American. We were
slightly surprised to get complaints from an Irishman about Irish jokes,
however, we will be astonished to get a complaint from a true Australian
about these funnies.
Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project
in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and
tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff,
I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Ricky
says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 'Shane's wife gave it to me.'
Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was
dead and she gave you the beer?'
'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When
she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' She
said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'
Meanwhile Ricky ....
Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book
his flight. The
operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?' Ricky
replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'
Ricky is now getting drunk in the pub and runs out of
money. Ricky does not feel like going home and he hassles the
publican for another drink.
Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I'll pay you next week.....' Robbie,
the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, 'See that building
across the road?' 'Yeah...' says Ricky, squinting
is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.'
'Deal? Wot deal?' mutters
Robbie, Well, Ricky, they
don't sell beer, and I don't lend money.'
The Amazing and Funny Australian Love Test
Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they
love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?
There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one
Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there,
close the boot, grab a couple of beers and watch the footy on the telly for
an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.
Monty Kelly, a rich man who lived near Darwin, Northern Territory,
Australia decided that he wanted to throw a party. So he invited his buddies
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
The party was held around the pool in the backyard of Monty's mansion.
Everyone was having a good time dancing, eating prawns, oysters and
drinking and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 16ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has
the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of Monty's mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Darel in the pool fighting the croc,
jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all
kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail
and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Darel and the croc
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Darel strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
Darel then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
at him in disbelief. The Monty says, 'Well, Darel, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Darel.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the
bet. How about a new car?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darel.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Rolex watch and some stock options? Again,
Darel said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Darel, then what do you want?
Darel said, 'I just want the b****** who pushed me in.'
Footnote: Thanks to Ken Green for sending in this
funny Aussie story.
A Darwin fellow roaming the Red Centre with a beaut of a barbie on the
ali tray of his fair dinkum ute was looking for some hard yakka because
there was no sit-down money for the pokies. But it was a daggy deal as he
hit the Bundi instead and ended up chundering in the dunny.
Above Message As Reported By British Dispatches
A person named Darwin with companions the fair skinned Barbara Dinkumute
and Ali Tray were travelling through the center of China looking for some
hard egg-yokes because of financial constraints and a lack of pigs. But
something went wrong after a fight with someone called Bundy in a town
Footnote: This funny tale, complete with translation,
was sent by Martin.
Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd
of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least
twice as large as your cows.'
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd
of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?'
'Glen', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any
grasshoppers in Texas.'
In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia)
received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00.
He ignored it and threw it away as anybody might.
In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating
that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer
error and they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it
would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the
gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that
they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating
that payment was now overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was
yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had
10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own
game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his
account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas
company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to
recover the debt.
At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against
the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the
local courthouse that he was not joking.
They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had
been forced to endure during this debacle.
The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome
The gas company was required to:-
 Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause,
within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for
consideration under Company Law.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.
 Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose
cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.
 Pay the claimant's court costs; and
 Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period
March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused
their client to suffer.
And all this over $0.00.
As Will and Guy always say, 'You just could not make it up.'
We had no idea that Australia celebrated April Fool's day - we should
have known better!
The world's first "square" ferris is wheel launched in Melbourne,
Australia. Melbourne's Docklands observation wheel is re-opening with a
"revolutionary new design" - a square shaped wheel, it was announced.
A Blackberry with no screen was advertised in Australia
Air New Zealand launched a pay what you weigh for an airline seat.
Australian Christmas Bon-Bons
Shane aged 23. 'My Sheila's an angel'. Bruce aged 59. 'Your
lucky mate, mine is still alive'.
Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
'Tiny', answers Barry. 'Why's
that?' enquires the barmaid. 'Because he's my newt' concludes
Barry. (Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt - minute)
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.