The Philgelos or "Laughter-lover" is probably the oldest
compilation of jokes in existence; it contains some 265 jokes. It is
said that the famous Monty Python Parrot sketch has its origins in a
joke told in the Philogelos.
Why were the early days of
history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights.
It appears that shortest war on record was between Zanzibar and Britain
in 1896. Zanzibar [now part of Tanzania] surrendered after 38 minutes.
What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and Ark
Which English King invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.
I'm desperately trying to establish why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Last words from a general in the American Civil War, 'Nonsense.
couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...............'
Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied,
'In silence.' [From the Philogelos]
What's the difference between Joan of Arc and a canoe? One is Maid of
Orleans and the other is made of wood. [The Victorians enjoyed jokes like
Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any
food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said, 'I've had a great loss.
Just when he had learned not to eat, he died.' - Dated to the *Philogelos
4th Century CE]
One that almost got away: Why did Henry VIII have so many
wives? He liked to chop and change.
Archaeologists are fickle. They're always dating other people.
"Anyone who fails to see the evolutionary link between man and ape
has never used the restroom at a Walmart." Mia Dambrigo
Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors... I told
mine to marry an archaeologist because the older she gets, the more
interested he will be in her.
Question: What did Richard III say when a planning proposal was
submitted for building a car park... Answer: "Over my dead body"
Two archaeologists were excavating a tomb in Egypt. 1st
Archaeologist: I just found another tomb of a mummified pharaoh!
2nd Archaeologist: Are you serious? 1st Archaeologist: No bones
Q: Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt? A: Because his career
was in ruins.
Q: What do you get in a 5-star pyramid? A: A tomb with a view.
Bad Bet? An archaeologist was digging in the Negev
Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After
examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000
Shekels on Goliath'."
Keeping the Score Julius Caesar is addressing the
crowd in the Coliseum. 'Friends, Romans and countrymen. I have returned
from my campaign in France where I killed 50,000 Gauls!' The crowd
rises to its feet cheering, 'Hail mighty Caesar!' At this point Brutus
jumps up and yells, 'Caesar lies. I've discovered he only killed 25,000!'
Caesar replies, 'Yes, but remember that away Gauls count double in
Archaeological Funny Tummy
The archaeologist who accidentally ate one of his tools had an
upset stomach, not to mention irregular trowel movements.
A Witty and Funny Old Joke
from a History Lesson in the USA
In an American history discussion
group, Professor Langer was trying to explain how society's ideal of
beauty changes with time. 'For example, he said, 'take the 1921 Miss
America. She stood five-feet, one-inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had
measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of
The class fell silent for a moment. Then Freddie
piped up, 'Not very well.' 'Why is that?' asked Professor Langer.
'For one thing,' Freddie added, 'She'd be way too old.'