Funny Ass Jokes
Sooner or later everyone makes an ass of themeslves!
Peter, the vicar of St Mary's was enthused to raise money for his cathedral's roof. He felt the usual tombola would not make enough money so he decided to run a series of donkey Derbies throughout the diocese.
The Reverend Peter learned that Big Al Corleone had a string of donkeys, and persuaded him to loan his donkeys for a series of Derbies. Crucially, Peter induced Big Al to run the best donkey in the Vicar's name.
It the first Derby, held in the grounds of St Mark's church, Peter's donkey came second.
The next day the local chronicle carried this headline: "Vicar's Ass Shows."
Two weeks later the next donkey Derby was run in St Gabriel's parish. Peter was thrilled when his donkey won!
The local paper read: "Vicar's Ass Out Front."
Problem: the bishop was so upset with the publicity generated by the Chronicle that he ordered the Vicar not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Vicar's Ass".
Understandably, the bishop was exasperated and he ordered Peter to sever his association with the donkey Derby. Consequently, the Vicar decided to give the donkey to a nun in a St Cecilia's convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
When he read that headline the bishop fainted. Later, when he had recovered, the bishop summoned the nun and asked her to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for twenty dollars.
The next day's edition read: "Nun Sells Ass for $20."
Finally the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and to release it onto the plains where it could return to nature.
The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces that Her Ass is Wild and Free".
The bishop was buried the next day.
Lambada the dreadlocked Baudet de Poitou donkey is rarer than both white rhinos and giant pandas, and is one of a herd being reared at a sanctuary in Poitou-Charente, France.
The Quickest Way?
Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin.
'Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?'
Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, 'You driving or walking, lad?'
Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: 'Oooh aargh, that be certainly the quickest way'.
Another Classic Ass Joke
Leslie, who was a real town dweller, drove his car into a ditch when out on the country roads. Luckily, a local farmer came was passing by with his big strong ass called Dobbin.
He hitched Dobbin up to the car and shouted loudly, 'Pull, Dolly, pull!' Dobbin didn't move one inch.
Then the farmer yelled, 'Pull, Robbie, pull.' Still Dobbin failed to respond.
Once more the farmer commanded in a stentorian voice, 'Pull, Ringo, pull.' Again - nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly and quietly muttered, 'Pull, Dobbin, pull.' Immediately the ass easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
Leslie was very appreciative but also very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his ass by a different name three times.
The farmer whispered by way of reply, 'Oh, Dobbin is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try.'
Irish Ass Yarn
An American called Arnie was driving around Ireland, he began to have trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. As was walking up the pathway Arnie noticed that a Ass, which was lying on the ground, was not shod.
Anyway, Arnie knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. He said, 'My car has boiled over could you let me have some water please? And by the way do you know that your ass over there has no shoes on?
'I know that', replied the woman replied, 'To be sure he's not up yet.'
If you like this page then please share it with your friends
See more funny pictures of animals, also jokes and stories